The Shadow Proves the Sunshine

The Day Philippians ran me over

2010-06-29T23:47:00.000-07:00

I have been under a writing dry-spell lately. And I hate it...I hate it because my mind does not pause during dry seasons; it continues to spin, sometimes more rapidly than normal, but it feels like I produce nothing from all the commotion and chaos. That is a RIDICULOUS frustration.

But recently, Philippians ran me over. I don't say that to give an ironic name to a reckless driver, or to illustrate a strange foreign exchange student. I was sitting at one of my favorite mid-week cafes exchanging ears, laughs, and insight with a dear friend, and Philippians appeared. At first he was just glancing at us from the corner of the conversation, the way heavy wisdom sits in the air above a serious conversation right before it descends and rests within people.

My friend and I LOVE to get together and discuss the depth of CHRIST's love, and the radical ways HE is transforming us in our day-to-day existence. My friend had been mentioning Philippians chapter 2 a lot recently, and it just so happened that she had The Message Translation in her car and I was OVERJOYED to borrow it (I have been meaning to buy one of those things...in a pretty maroon color...because Maroon just seems like a soothing color for a bible: the most POWERFUL words ever recorded).

I flipped open to Philippians chapter 2 and was knocked flat on my butt by verses 1-4; always a good way to start a POTENT book in the bible: "If you've gotten anything at all out of following CHRIST, if HIS love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the SPIRIT means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care--then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front, don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourself long enough to lend a helping hand."

BLAM!!!!

I am still in disbelief about the depth and curiosity of these words. I know that when I disagree with someone, especially in regards to an issue/person/project that I am passionate about, I am not concerned with being "deep-spirited friends." I most definitely push my way to the front of debates when I am confident in my understanding and ethical standing on the issue, and I have sweet-talked (or at least sugar coated) many conversations to remain in good standing professionally. And, even though I know those behaviors seem more regular than the common cold, they also create a spirit (lifestyle) similar to a professional model: a skeleton that undergoes huge, mostly false, transformation to appear wonderful, beautiful, and perfect. "Don't be obsessed with your own advantage." -SLAM- The mere mention of someone else's wage/salary throws a wrench in my self-value and therefore how I present myself to others.

"Put yourself aside and help others get ahead...Forget yourself long enough to lend a helping hand." BRAKES (SQUEALING BRAKES)!!! I suffer from a very common condition that I named "Calendar-itis;" otherwise known as inflammation of one's calendar. Symptoms include, but are not limited to:

Disconnection from friends, co-workers, mentees, and family outside of specificly allotted times
Addiction and entitlement to "production" and "efficiency," both of which have various meanings, forms, and functions.
Decreasing motivation to be creative or reflective due to quickly decreasing down-time.
Increasing expenditures due to poor personal time management and a RIDICULOUS amount of fast-food locations.
Heart attack
Breast cancer
Lymphoma
Colon cancer
blindness
etc
etc

I am being challenged, regularly now, to put aside my calendar, entitlement, efficiency, and productivity. I listened to a pod-cast recently that pushed me to ask, "have I been complimented on a fruit of the spirit recently?" After six hours of brain-searching I realized the last time that happened I might have been five years old.

I wonder what my life would look like if the colored blocks on my calendar were based on the amount of time it takes to exercise the fruits of the spirit and practice deep-spirited friendship instead of reflecting a need to feel valued and recognized by the number of things I can get done in a day. Can I come to understand that a 1-hour meeting geared solely at patiently getting on the same page with someone is a better use of time than spending an hour crafting a beautiful e-mail that can (and most likely will be) misinterpreted due to lack of body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, and genuine concern. Can I pause to answer a rookie question FROM A ROOKIE without viewing them as a dent in my already too-busy day..?

In A Million Miles in a Thousand Years Donald Miller compares life and individuals to movies and characters. He walks through the human attraction to specific characters and discovers that people are drawn to characters that are proven good, by their behavior and choices, and that also have to overcome a fear/tragedy/conflict. D.M. "wondered if life could be lived more like a good story in the first place. I wondered whether a person could plan a story for his life and live it intentionally...and...if one of the reasons we fail to acknowledge the brilliance of life is because we don't want the responsibility inherent in the acknowledgment. We don't want to be characters in a story because characters have to move and breathe and face conflict with courage. And if life isn't remarkable, then we don't have to do any of that; we can be unwilling victims rather than grateful participants. (italics mine)"

I believe GOD designed me, and everyone on this Earth, intentionally with a story in mind. And I laugh, ever so slightly with HUGE CURIOUS eyes, at the parallel between movie characters and real life. And I wonder what my life would look like if I gave more intention to being changed by GOD everyday all day rather than trying to fit GOD in between the colored blocks of my own disease.

Beautiful Brokenness

2010-05-21T02:30:00.000-07:00

The most beautiful part of community is brokenness
A heart releases all anxious weight
stolen identities and fearful anger fall
To find refined value
Sitting in broken company pierces
the fortified walls of insecurity

A poetic existence of porcelain masks
Through the cracks we find others
aware of their own
Together you move along
not valuing of the porcelain
Increasingly aware of each other's beauty.

Who is a lier to condemn?
Who is a saint to guide?
Who better to encourage than a cripple?
Who better to dream than the lame?
For theirs is the purest perspective

The most beautiful part of community is brokenness
The purest gifts have no measurable value
such is a fellow broken heart
Repayment is out of the question by way of impossibility
in the same way
Gratitude escapes any expression due to magnitude

A broken community cannot be shaken
shamed
or sold
There is no comparison
There is no dominatino
there is only submission
there is only humility

"You cannot 'produce' trust just like you cannot 'do' humility; it either is or it isn't."

To the friends have have seen me through hard times. To the confidants that helped me to see.
To those who sought me out. To the artists who teased my soul to life.
You are PRICELESS to me. Your souls surround me like a HUGE stain glass window,
and GOD shines through it. HIS spirit dances in you and speaks through you.

Meditating: A Vintage Virtue

2010-01-31T15:28:00.000-08:00

Meditating is neither an original Christian concept nor a recently birthed practice. My favorite function of meditation is to bring the content of one's heart to the head so that it can come out in one's hands. Some time ago I also heard that sometimes GOD's favorite medium is silence. Entering into silence with GOD invites HIS kingdom and wisdom up from the depths of our hearts so that we might be HIS kingdom in the world. Many virtues and disciplines, like meditation, are faded and rusted today, but their value is still pure.

This morning I heard, "anything that GOD touches: the closer you get the better it looks. anything we (humans) touch: the closer you get the more awkard and ugly it looks. If you don't believe GOD is in the details examine a flower."

In silence we are left only to absorb and observe. In silence there is no defensiveness or comparing. Silence can bring about reflection: who am I in relation to GOD? One of the things I have learned from GOD in silence is how to see my HEAVENLY FATHER. When I was growing up I had a hard time understanding how to look at GOD as "father" because my dad and I didn't have the closest of relationships. After GOD got a hold of my dad's heart and looked into his eyes I got to meet my daddy. Nowadays, one of my favorite things to yell as I walk into my parent's house (after HELLOOOOOOOOOO) is "HI DADDY..!" (My mom is deaf so yelling "Hi mommy" makes no sense :) ). My dad usually responds with, "Hi babygirl."

It was awkward the first time I heard him say that...and a few times after that. But I have grown to adore that relationship...I am my daddy's babygirl...always...forever...

In silence, I learn that I am GOD's babygirl too.

I don't have to fight to defend my title or knock other people down to prove that I am worthy of that name. I simply am.

I also read somewhere that a blessing is more like a living organism than a present; the fulfillment of a blessing is in passing it along. Most people receive a blessing (action or word) and think that the blessing is fulfilled in their receiving it. But the true fulfillment is to pass it on because you are able to experience every aspect of the blessing: receiving and giving. JESUS modeled a life of giving and generosity, and I think HE did that to show us how to fulfill HIS blessings.

When I am silent, meditating on GOD's kingdom, HE brings things to mind that fulfill HIS blessings. Words I can speak to someone that revived or encouraged me. Small surprises that I can do for others to place value on them. When I am silent the HOLY SPIRIT can dance inside me. Even though I grew up a soccer player, my inner ballerina twirls around in soft like on enchanting toes when I am silent.

This morning I also heard, "if you have a relationship to GOD that does not work itself out (show itself) in relationships to others than you do not have a relationship with GOD."

Meditation brings gifts of identity and fulfillment to its owner, and practicing silence is like blaring the HOLY SPIRIT's music.

...sensible things...

2009-11-17T21:33:00.000-08:00

"GOD's distance must be complimented by HIS nearness."

I have been getting rattled lately by the reality of this quote. Sometimes it is easy to recognize GOD's hand in life, HIS perfect plans, in retrospect. While this view can warm the heart, knowing that someone so great and awesome cares enough to order our lives, it can also leave a sense of lonliness if the next steps foward are unknown.

I have spent many mornings driving to work thanking GOD for HIS incredible provision in my life: good health, a job I enjoy, volunteer projects I adore, priceless friends, a loving family, and a merciful SAVIOR. But in pouring my heart into these projects, I have misplaced a sense of HIS nearness. That is...until I began to get to know my students.

I have a student, a BEAUTIFUL student, who is 17 years old. This girl carries herself with boldness and intelligence. Last Friday afternoon I pulled her aside to ask about a new pattern of absence and I discovered something inside her. A stain-glass soul similar to mine. This child began to open up and share a few of her life experiences. I tried to listen more than speak as my grandma taught me to. As she spoke I quickly recongized the location of her mind...it seemed too familiar. Many of the broken places in her heart were mirrored by the shattered lines of my own.

I thanked her for sharing her world with me, and allowing me to be a part of her journey and sent her to 5th period, but I carried her stories home with me and began to pray over them. The nearness of GOD was exposed in my inability to fix things, and her independence to reject my words. Although she continues to show up to my class, and came to talk with me again today, it can only be the love of GOD to save her.

One hauting "French proverb says, "We should enter everyone's situation. Tout comprendre, c`est tout pardonner - to understand all is to forgive all. In HIS soverign wisdom, GOD alone understands the human heart."

When she was done sharing today I was able to explain how forgiveness can help her to heal and find freedom. I hugged her as the tears fell and her body began to shake from the years of holding the pain inside. Again, I was hit with the reality of GOD's nearness.

"Amid the hurly-burly of Wall Street, the teeming traffic of rush hour, the long lines at the supermarket, their (artists, mystics...clowns of GOD) unexpected presence encourages us to reexamine our priorities, and does so with far greater effect than the apocalyptic threats of the doomsday preacher on the street corner." "It is GOD HIMSELF who can be discovered in the beauty of sensible things." I don't want to lose sight of the immense value of loving other people...because that is sensible. To pour my life's findings, however small, into another to empower and comfort them makes sense to the core of my soul.

And GOD makes sense...HE loved me in this way LONG before I wanted to love HIM or anyone else. "It is GOD HIMSELF who can be discovered in the beauty of sensible things."

I left work today with mixed feelings, not about GOD's presence in my conversation with this young girl...but with the definition of my job description and how that would mesh with the conversation. "Moralism and its stepchild, legalism, perver the character of the Christian life." Bill from The Garden Church in Long Beach said something a few weeks ago that hasn't left my mind, "Our vocation is not always our occupation, and we need to be aware of that." Legalism finds itself infecting many aspects of daily life, but I don't want my vocation as a follower and lover of CHRIST to take a backseat to this parrasite.

On the flip side of the same coin are frusterating situations. I have been thrown under the bus at different times, and the feelings of anger and desire for revenge/humiliation comes quickly. "When wounded people fail, as inevitable they must, they engage in denial to protect themselves from punishment. The perfect image must be protected at all costs." I am so quick to jump into retalliation mode that I breeze right by clearing the air and standing in the other person's shoes. And, as Mike Erre pointed out a few weeks ago, this does not automatically reinstate the relationship to its previous capacity. But, as Darren Rounzin explained this past Sunday, it does free you from other people's opinions and demands. By taking the proper steps to love before hate/resent, I am free to act as GOD directs me.

"It is GOD HIMSELF who can be discovered in the beauty of sensible things."

Fundamentals I've missed...overlooked

2009-11-01T23:03:00.000-08:00

I have been overwhelmed today with GOD's goodness. I needed a strong wave of HIS love because my current battle with flesh is INTENSE.

I needed to be reminded of some KINGDOM fundamentals, and my struggle feels so overwhleming that some days I need reminders half a dozen times. I have a co-worker whose brokeness exposes itself in ugly ways (as does everyone's), and my heart somehow landed on the conclusion that her junk makes her "less than" me. My guilty self-righteous heart reacted to personal hurts with resentment and dreams of retaliation. And this...CRAP...has just been eating me alive for two weeks now. The manifestation of these evils has appeared all over: I disappeared to my friends, whom I should have drawn closer to, I had insomnia all of last week, and I began to overthrow my boundaries by bringing work home with me.

And GOD BLESS HIS timing, I have been bombarded by messages of truth and reality all week. And GOD, in HIS faithfulness, has brought individuals to me with wisdom and peace to calm the waters in my angry heart.

This evening Darren made some GOD-inspired points at The Garden. He explained that anger was designed with good intentions (to notify us that a boundary has been crossed), but we have been trained to feed anger in such a way that it becomes on-going resentment and bitterness. It is a misinterpretation and misuse of a once positive attribute. It is on-going anger that causes blow-ups, and turns our mind to devaluing humanity (like name-calling or keeping tabs on everyone else).

When we devalue humanity it is almost as if we wish to throw other people out of the KINGDOM OF GOD...and who are we to determine that.?!

I related Darren's point to Mike Erre's message from last week about a GOD who keeps no ledger. There is a parable in the bible that illustrates a king who has a ledger accounting for his debts to others and other's debts to him. One day the king's accountant finds a servant who owed an impossible amount; the king has the authority and right to have this person (and his family/belongings) sold in order to pay down the debt. The servant begs for mercy and promises to repay the debt (the original audience would have heard this promise and scoffed because it was more than a lifetime of wages). The king choses to "close the books," eat the debt, and let the servant go free. This, obviously, is a BRILLIANT illustration of what CHRIST did for us; HE ate our debt and we live because we are free.

The parable, however, does not end on that Hallmark point...the newly free servant turns around and finds another man who owes him money and demands it harshly. This debt cannot be repaid in one day, but it is a repayable amount. The debtor begs for mercy using the EXACT SAME VERBIAGE as the first servant to the king yet there is no mercy shown here. When the king finds out about this injustice he calls the first servant to him and explains that if it's the books he wants to play by then he too will play by the books. The king orders that the servant be thrown in jail and tortured until he should repay all he owed...which would be never. The point of the parable is that even though I have been forgiven and excused from my sins, I still carry around an internal ledger of injustices done to me.

I have been doing this with my co-worker. She has sent me e-mails and brought up points verbally of her observations; and in reaction to those things I have begun to keep a ledger. I have allowed my anger to fester, feeding it as I sleep,when I am not on the clock, giving it authority to spill over from my occupation(cite coordinator) to my vocation (a CHRIST follower). Although I have not acted on my dreams of retaliation, I should be deeply concerned that those seeds exist. Two weeks ago Mike Erre introduced me to the "Law of Retaliation," and he explained that no one wins in that game. Mike used Sampson as an example, and how a game of retaliation always requires "one-upping" your opponent; in Sampson's case it escalted from a domestic issue to an economic issue to a murder issue...no one wins that game. I am thankful for the wise words of my community not to retaliate, but I need to submit my heart to GOD for extractive surgery.

Darren ended this evening stating that we need to re-learn how to be angry. JESUS was angry when he walked the earth...but in the right way. When an injustice was done in HIS FATHER's house, or when the marginalized in society were abused or neglected. I am glad that I can be angry, but I know that I am not exibiting healthy anger right now. Mike made a point last week that forgiving someone does not always mean forgetting the incident, but it does mean sitting in the raw emotions of the situation and chosing to forgive them in the middle of all of it. I need to sit in the rawness some more and pray that GOD leads my heart to forgive IN those moments.

I have a meeting tomorrow with this co-worker to address some of her most recent comments and behaviors, and I want my heart to reflect CHRIST. I want my heart to recognize that I am angry over her behavior, but not holding a grudge and stuffing bitterness.

My BEAUTIFUL friend Liz Pham wrote the following (the link to her blog is on the right side of mine):

Much of our culture succeeds too often in molding its inhabitants into masterful Artisans of Trying.

Trying/striving in this worldly sense only succeeds in allowing us to:
-hide what we perceive to be flaws
-mask our insecurities only to give ourselves a false sense of worth
-outdo others' perceptions of who we are-outdo our perceptions of ourselves
-one up the people around us
-smack on band-aids over wounds that need the exposure to heal

The danger in this type of living isn't so much the desire to be something or someone else; rather, it's the lack of understanding and conviction in who we already are--who we are made in and through Christ's love and redemption: new creations, justified, adopted sons and daughters of the King, heirs.

Trying and striving are incredibly tiresome and draining. I liken this to what I wrote many blogs back--it's that tension that you feel in your gut when you can't be yourself around people. It's debilitating. There's no freedom there, and everything seems to be done in vain.

The shocking thing in the midst of all of this is how this manifests itself in the subtleties of my life. It's not at all blatant, others don't always notice it, and it's deeply personal. In fact, I often don't see this junk until it starts oozing in other places of my life.

I hate how I feel when I'm in the trying/striving mode; it's the result of many things, I'm sure. I perhaps am feeling off, not good enough or undervalued. It's in the very moments when I take my eyes off of Love and onto myself. My eyes then look through a faulty filter rather than the filter of the Perfect Lamb given on my behalf. How quickly my eyes shift! Someone mentioned this the other day in a conversation--it's like taking your eyes off one of those Magic Eye pictures. If you look away for even a split second, you lose the ability to decipher or see the image you're supposed to see. It doesn't take long to lose focus. Staring and being still enough to look intently upon that image--upon Him--requires discipline.

Sometimes I feel as though my life is lived out in a fog of ADD, and I just want to be sedated. Therein lies the danger--masking an issue rather than countering it with something far more potent. I want to continue to learn a very different art--the art of being still.

Being still lends itself to:
-an awareness of our surroundings (esp. the needs of those around us)
-an environment where we can fight the lies that come about in chaos and hurried lives
-an understanding of our present state (maybe even the ability to cry out, "I need You!")
-the ability to reverently come before Him in a posture of worship
-appropriate perception of the greatness of God as we're not walking before him, but waiting on Him-feeling what we need to feel, so that healing can come into those places of pain
-feeling what we need to feel, so that thanksgiving can be offered unto Him who is worthy
-knowing that HE is GOD

It's when we know that He is God that we live in a greater, fuller understanding of who we are. There--we find freedom to be who we are. There--we can worship. There--we can see Him.

There are moments when being still seems second nature and other times I suck at it big time. God knows I can't do it by myself--I've tried and that's when I see that I suck at it :). In my need and in my acknowledgment of it, there His strength facilitates room in my heart to simply be.

May we be inclined to lives of steadfastness and stillness--in times of suffering, joy and everything else that's in between so that we can see Him because He's worthy of our attention.

I love having that feeling of absolute freedom. That feeling of PURE JOY in knowing that you are clinging to GOD, seeking HIM in everything, and pouring back into HIS KINGDOM with the gifts HE gave you.

I need to re-learn how to be appropriately angry in order to be free.

Just in case you were wondering...

2009-10-30T22:21:00.000-07:00

I LOVE how certain individuals in my life have the ability to remove a week's worth of stress and anxiety in a matter of hours. I LOVE how PURE LOVE is determined to show up and engage regardless of how tired or weak it feels. I LOVE how a simple hug or smile from a TREASURED friend instantly puts into perspective petty problems and unimportant issues and restores the BEAUTY and JOY of life. I LOVE how two hours of connection between friends has the power to restore, empower, and ignite the light inside me.

And, just in case anyone was wondering, those are all facts of evidence of GOD's presence within people. Those things display GOD's love and grace, and the magnitude of HIS glory.

To the CHERISHED friends I hold: THANK YOU for your impact on my life. THANK YOU for the text messages, phone calls, Facebook wall posts, and e-mails following up on coffee dates. THANK YOU for the accountability of boundaries and commitments. THANK YOU for the encouragment and support to live as GOD calls me to live in contradiciton to this world. THANK YOU for the examples you set for me and the inspiration you create. THANK YOU for reflecting GOD onto my life and teaching me how to bounce HIS holiness onto others. THANK YOU for being GOD's hands and feet along the road in my life.

What a call

2009-10-11T22:21:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across a community recently. A community that embodies CHRIST's servitude and love in a powerful way. This community is The Garden in Long Beach. Tonight GOD's word took on a new light through the words of Darren and Bill; they were explaining the Beattitudes in Matthew. And, in GOD's gracious timing, it seemed that their words were speaking directly to a current struggle of mine...and of course, it begs to be explained again.

I, like many others in service tonight, fell under the umbrella of believing that the Beattitudes were a list of characteristics that a citizen of the KINGDOM of GOD should exibit. But, as Bill and Darren explained, these are specific qualities of the ignored, abandonded, abused, and neglected that are pointed out as a way to include them in a gospel and KINGDOM thought only to belong to the priveledged.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the KINGDOM of heaven." I always thought that "poor in spirit" meant humble. But, in this context, it's much closer to "spiritually bankrupt," and it means that you don't have to pick yourself up off the ground in order to be eligible for the KINGDOM.
"Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted." This isn't saying that everyone should mourn or that mourning is in any way a positive feature. With short life spans and high infant mortality mourning was a common part of life during biblical times, and this speaks to those who are mourning...their circumstance does not translate to "GOD is not with you." Just the opposite in fact, in your hardest times GOD is with you.
"Blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth." I was always under the impression that "meek" meant a shy personality. This scripture is actually talking about the people that cannot stand up for themselves; it is a call to stand beside them and be their voice, providing the strength and perserverence to see the helpless through the darkness.
"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled." I honestly never connected with this verse, unless I was thinking of those people physically starving in other nations. Bill and Darren did an excellent job pointing out that this line is referencing those individuals who are so used to being abused, ignored, neglected that it has become their dispair; all they long for is justice.
"Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy." (This is the one that KILLED me). Bill posed a GREAT question: who wants to be merciful to someone that wronged you..? I had a rough week with a co-worker last week, and my Friday ended in frustration, shock, entitlement, and anger. So as Bill and Darren explained this Beattitude, I realized how broken I am in this. My aunt also sent me an encouraging e-mail reminding me about how the enemy loves to side-swip us, and how often he uses other broken people to attack us through.
"Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see GOD." Brennan Manning has a wonderful story of a couple who brought their Down Syndrome son to church and sat in the back, they seemed to act ashamed of him. The pastor called them into his office one day and explained that he had lost a child with Down Syndrome. Although the pastor had other children, the loss of this child was particularly painful because that one child, with a simple mind, acted as a doorway to GOD. Bill illustrated that same picture. Darren added to that by saying that sometimes we fall victim to "perfectionism" and being overly critical; we are afraid to mess up because that means punishment...but GOD does not want perfect, he wants honest trust.
"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of GOD." (Another one that KILLED me). Bill illustrated this verse better than I have ever heard it before. If you imagine an arbitrator standing between two arguing spouses; this person is taking hits from both sides. This is a person that other people admire, but do not want to be. This person is a PERFECT representation of JESUS...because HE stood in the gap for each of us, and would do it again. I feel very connected to this verse, and I need to take up this burden for my students. Most of my students come from broken homes, and they have stood inbetween bickering parents or been physically beaten while protecting a loved one. Who is standing in the gap for them..?
"Blessed are those who are persecuted for righeousness for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." These are the individuals that are mocked, accused, and insulted because of their faith. Instead of just awknoledging them, GOD offers to sit in the spit with them. The encouragement is to let the temporary insult roll off your back because it means nothing compared to the wealthy inheritance of the KINGDOM.

I felt so empowered after hearing that message; and bestowed with the perfect pieces of wisdom to take to work this week. I should not behave entitled with this co-worker of mine because Earthly recognition or respect should not be my aim. I LOVE my job because of the kids I get to interact with, and the MILLIONS of opportunities for GOD to work in their lives. I get to spend 45 minutes praying for them as I drive to work, and as my aunt pointed out, I should be praying for my lost co-worker as well. I can sit in the spit for a while knowing that GOD is right next to me and I can display mercy because righteousness is a wealthier cause.

THANK YOU LORD for messages meant for me.

Life in the fast lane keeps me so distant...

2009-10-11T08:41:00.000-07:00

"Abba, into your hands I entrust my body, mind, and spirit and this entire day -morning, afternoon, evening and night. Whatever you want of me, I want of me, falling into you and trusting in you in the midst of my life. Inot your heart I entrust my heart, feeble, distracted, insecure, uncertain. Abba, unto you I abandon myself in JESUS our LORD. Amen."

Feeble: Physically weak, as from age or illness. Weak intellectually or morally. Lacking in volume. Lacking in force, strength, or effectiveness.

Distracted: Having the attention diverted. Rendereed incapable of reacting or behaving.

Insecure: Subject to fears and doubts. Not confident or certain. Exposed or liable to risk. Not firmly or reliably placed or fastened.

Uncertain: Not confident, assured, or free from hesitancy. Not precisely or clearly determined. Dependent on change or unpredictable factors.

A BEAUTIFUL prayer that best captures the broken state of my heart.

"The Most Urgent Need in Your Life is to Trust"

2009-10-03T21:56:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since my soul really spilled out. The uncomfortable conjestion bothered me, but I could not put my finger on why I seemed so...ill. I think I have stumbled upon the answer in the words of Brennan Manning.

I began peeling through the pages of "Ruthless Trust;" the title didn't just appeal to me, it screamed out to me. Within the first few pages Brennan begins to describe that his spiritual director issued a GOD-smacking statement to him: "Brennan, you don't need any more insights into the faith. You've got enough insights to last you three hundred years. The most urgent need in your life is to trust what you have recieved." I can imagine how this must have hit Brennan; that point resonated within me before my eyes crossed the last word. Personally, myfaith began like research: carefully articulating my new emotional awareness of GOD, choreographing HIS presence in my life in retrospect, and developing intelligent explanations for GOD in my life. I read the bible regularly, dove into powerful authors, and made sure to surround myself with seasoned veterans on the straight and narrow.
But...somewhere along the way I got bored with faith. The questions and answers that once grabbed my mind no longer seemed addicting, and I found myself developing "Plan Bs." What's worse is that I also justified these things to myself and others all the while knowing it wasn't the best decision. My sense of security became more and more rooted in these "back up plans," and although I was never satisfied I couldn't seem to stop formulating them.
"When the brilliant ethicist John Kavanaugh went to for for three months at 'the house of the dying' in Calcutta, he was seeking a clear answer to how best to spend the rest of his life. On the first morning there he met Mother Teresa. She asked, 'And what can I do for you?' Kavanaugh asked her to pray for him.
'What do you want me to pray for?' she asked. He voiced the request that he had borne thousands of miles from the United States, 'Pray that I have clarity.'
She said firmly, 'No, I will not do that.' When he asked her why, she said, 'Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of.' When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have the clarity he longed for, she laughed and said, 'I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust GOD.'
I remember praying to GOD, as Kavanaugh did, asking for clarity; my rational was that if I could clearly see where GOD was going or understand what HE wanted from me then perhaps the passion, addiction, and awe would come back into my faith. But Mother Teresa's words awaken a DEEP sense within me that I have COMPLETELY MISSED the point.
Francis Chan, in "Crazy Love," points out that many Christians don't have to trust GOD because they have savings accounts and IRAs. And as much as I would love to smile, nod, and think of other people...I AM THAT PERSON. I don't need insight, the most urgent thing in my life is TRUST. Clarity has become the last thing I am clinging to and MUST let go to.
"Craving clarity, we attempt to eliminate the risk of trusting GOD. Fear of the unknown path stretching ahead of us destroys childlike trust in the FATHER's active goodness and unrestricted love. We often presume that trust will dispel the confusion, illuminate the darkness, vanquish the uncertainty, and redeem the times. But the crowd of witnesses in the Hebrews 11 testifies that this is not the case. Our trust does not bring final clarity on this earth. It does not still the chaos or dull the pain or provide a crutch. When all else is unclear, the heart of the trust says, as Jesus did on the cross, 'Into your hands I commit my spirit' (Luke 23:46).
And that is my prayer, the song on my lips these days: that I would commit my soul into GOD's hands and TRUST HIM. As in Proverbs 3:5: TRUST in the LORD with all your heart and lean NOT on your own understanding. This sense within me hints that I have been missing the point, after all "as Marcus Borg has noted, 'The first (faith) is a matter of the head, the second (trust) is a matter of the heart. the first can leave us unchanged, the second intrinsically brings change."

Mary J Blige: Forever No More

2009-05-30T20:31:00.001-07:00

I have been vibing off this song for DAYZ now; one of many tools of inspiration for me lately:

No more invisible, speechless, deaf, blind child
With neglected pleasures being addicted to denial
Floating through time gravitating toward a warm arm
With an appetite for the emptiness that promises no harm

No more uncontrollable eruptions of emotional depression
A primal S.O.S. from the barren prison of selfless expression
That only the guilty with innocent souls know
Buried in a social scar tissue of a defective ego

No more relentless sifting through bodies seeking self
Settling through competitive combat for what's left on the shelf
A mad melee of supply and demand driven by a gullible pride
That leads to sedating the you that suffocates inside.

No more, forever no more because I've unshut my eyes
And the difference between GOD's work and man's will was realized
Seeing opposed and parallel lives some liquid and others frozen
Led me to never seek from man what GOD has chosen.

Then the negative whispering subsided and the panicking ceased
The undercurrent of suppression of pent up terror was released
As the mystery of the unknown manifested pristine clear
A positive message of truth entered my ear.

Now across my face is a brand new smile
With the newly revealed meaning of a destined child
A message of hope is being released from my heart
And I am overwhelmed with dedication to do my part

All i ever wanted was to be what I once was, unbounded
Somehow it got all twisted and before long sounded
As though life was a continuous connive, thrive, drive
Choking out the simple joy of just being alive

Now I'm filled with love and I sing a love song
A song for yesterday, today, tomorrow, and beyond
My new prayer is, thank you GOD for setting me free
And thank you GOD for giving me back me.

Thank you Mary J for writing those words.

Thank you to those who have risen above and flown beyond the distraction, depression, and death.
Thank you for portraying the courage it takes to release purpose, dreams and healing.
Thank you for choosing to look past circumstance and fly on the wings within you.

Thank you for reaching back, and touching lives, who have no one to follow
Thank you for being the strength I needed on days when I feel alone.
Thank you for pointing to GOD when I can't find HIM.

Thank you for shinning a light on a path around the quicksand
Thank you for your stories which provide the breath in my lungs when fatigue sets in
Thank you for being relatable, raw, and real.

Thank you...you are carried within my heart.

Discipling Consumers

2009-05-03T11:16:00.000-07:00

In a recent message Mike Erre ended by quoting one of his favorite authors (although I didn't catch his name), "It is impossible to disciple consumers."

In only six words a powerful battle is exposed. I am no stranger to this battle. Neither are Fortune 500 members, homeless folks, college students, recently unemployed masses, or common civilians from all over the world.

The idea is generosity, the battle permeates everything because "where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (Matthew 6:21).

I took a WONDERFUL class called Generation Debt, taught by Chad Coltman at RockHarbor. It outlined the idea of stewardship in the bible, specifically in relation to financial resources. Although we are entrusted with stewardship in many capacities, the most obvious and greatest source of tension within us seems to be monetary. I made sure to dedicate myself to total honesty as I created an excel spreadsheet and tracked EVERY expenditure for a few months. Some months my jaw hit the floor, and others I ran around excited announcing to people how good it felt to stay within my means. Not included in my budget was tything.

Last Sunday as Mike shared, with direct, irrefutable points in scripture, how a Christian is commanded to steward GOD's resources, GOD decided to make a point directly to Tina. "As HE inspired and taught me to reduce my stable expenditures (those that do not change...such as car insurace) from roughly $1000 per month to $764 per month HE was also creating in me a position to give generously."

Mike continued to explain that even in the midst of rough financial times, unknown futures with one's career, and a society obsessed with consumerism it is through generosity that one becomes free. Mike also pointed out that it is fallacy to believe that "when surplus income arrives generosity will be easier." This point has been made by Fortune 500 members as they express that each new "toy" require maintenance, updated versions, and regular flaunting.

In my personal life, I have experienced SO MUCH joy and freedom as my stable expenditures have dropped. I don't carry anxity about overdraft fees, or worry that my checks will bounce. But Mike's message, and GOD's corresponding point, are challenging me to puruse greater joy and freedom in investing back into the institution(s) that developed growth in me and will be a source of growth, comfort, discipleship, and support for hundreds of others WORDLWIDE.

And, as much of our world is focused on the negative, I think it is worth while to put a spotlight on GOD's grace. I would encourage others of us to share our stories on blogs, e-mails, and webcites so that as a body in CHRIST we can see where HE is moving within our community..!

Have a GREAT Sunday...

GOD BLESS!!!

Powerful Identity

2009-03-17T08:31:00.000-07:00

I have been under a microscope lately…my own microscope. A litany of reasons could be used to explain why, but that is not the important part of this reflection. I have been overwhelmed over the last two months with this concept of identity. What determines how I see myself (which inevitably influences how I project and present myself to others)..? The easy answer is: my experiences and dreams. My past experiences create the lens through which I analyze things and limit what I consider to be possible for the future. But, as I am discovering, there is much more to this broad question.
For instance, in what order does “GOD’s daughter” fall on my list of identities..? Am I first a college kid, then a big sister, then a dreamer…then GOD’s daughter..? Am I first a responsible adult, crazy grand-daughter, friend, GOD’s custom creation..? Or am I holy and glorious by design before anything else..? Most mornings my heroic-design is not the first thing I embrace; I prefer to direct my immediate attention to slippers, tea, and my trusty plastic Mac (and lately, the weather report).
As I said, the OVERHWHELMING response from GOD lately has been my incorrect identity. There is no conflict in saying that one’s personal attitude and beliefs about themselves dictate the emotional outcome of their day. I have been challenged a little bit further. Not to smile, adjust, and accept things “because there is nothing I can do about it at the moment and it’s not worth ruining my whole day,” but to actually use my true identity to counter-act negative happenings/vibes/thoughts throughout the day. The first reaction suggests that things just happen, and we are not powerful or strong enough to fight back. But, all throughout scripture, history, and our natural dreams people are recognized for heroic actions.
John Eldridge said, “Notice that nearly always our interpretation of our dreams will reveal what we long to be but fear we are not.” My time inside Soul Renovation challenges me to see that my favorite things about GOD are easy for me to identify because HE put those things inside me. So when I note that I LOVE GOD’s encouragement and his authority over any kind of evil…I should also say those things about myself. And my dreams of being remembered for loving under any circumstance, being willing to help out with whatever I have, and being a source of honest pure are actually “love notes,” as a friend so eloquently put it, from GOD HIMSELF.
What would happen if I actually absorbed the dreams I have for myself instead of putting them under the rug or the back of the closet?

BEAUTIFUL Poem from a friend

2009-02-22T19:20:00.000-08:00

Can you see her? Will you let God show you?
Her face instead of her clothes? Her eyes instead of her body language?
Can you see her? Will you let God show you?
She has a name instead of a label, a broken heart instead of a hard one
Can you see her? Will you let God show you?
The image of God instead of an object of uncertainty and fear.
Her worth to the Savior instead of her worthlessness to the world of finances.
Can you see her? Will you let God show you?
His heart of forgiveness instead of your heart that is carnal ( only thinking of yourself )
His blood that covers instead of your rules that say " I don't want to fail "
Can you see her? Will you let God show you?
And when you do see, what then?

Patient Excavation

2009-02-02T23:23:00.000-08:00

There is a song that reads:

Open up the skies of mercy,
And rain down the cleansing flood.
Healing waters…
Rise around us.
Let them rise, LORD
Let them rise.

It’s your beauty, LORD,
That makes us stand in silence.
And your love,
Your love,
Is better than life.

I love the moments when everything else in life, accomplishment and struggle, melt away leaving only these words in my heart. It feels like a waterfall that has been hidden for centuries bursts forth and as the water cascades down my heart fills with warmth. I always get chills when I feel this way.
Lately there has been an overwhelming peace in my life. Peace, like all of GOD’s blessings, has been present always; I am just more aware of it these days. What I love about GOD’s peace is that there is appreciation for stillness and excitement for motion at the same time.
Through this peaceful time I have also been reading and GOD has revealed an area of my heart that needs to be dusted off, opened, examined, submitted, healed, and overcome. Pieces of The Shack and Waking the Dead have brought an awareness of intimacy that I have hidden from for years. An aspect of love, which I was created for, that got buried under pain, anger, resentment, and fear.
I can vividly remember other times in my life where GOD loved my hurt away: overcoming self-injury (SI) and un-forgiveness of myself. I can recall the feelings, triumphs, slip-ups, and mental notes that led from despair to victory and the undoubted knowledge that GOD alone had made that success possible. And even though it was one of the sweetest moments in my life, it was also one of the hardest.
That may be why I have hidden intimacy and transparency behind deep curtains. But GOD has just coaxed this area of my life to the surface, and I feel my hands open up and push through the curtain slowly. It is very scary when the deepest of deep fears come into the light; I am always unsure of others and myself.
I read BEAUTIFUL pictures of GOD’s love in The Shack, and I tried to imagine a day in that relationship. How restful and compassionate that must feel. I am being exposed, by Waking the Dead, to the centrality of the heart. How living from the mind alone shifts my attention and my values to efficiency and performance. And since I was designed to live from the heart I am deeply hindered by living from the mind. As I read I become more and more aware of this lack of intimacy in me, and I can see the ways in which our current world has gone so terribly wrong.

“Notice, there was a man who was once real and alive and in love (speaking of the tin woodman in the Wizard of Oz). But after a series of blows, his humanity was reduced to efficiency. He became a sort of machine-a hollow man. At first, he did not even notice, for his condition made him an excellent woodman, as any person can become productive like a machine when he forgoes his heart. Notice also that it was the Wicked Witch who brought the disaster upon him. Baum’s mythic tale reminds us that the Enemy knows how vital the heart is, even if we do not, and all his forces are fixed upon its destruction. For if he can disable or deaden your heart, then he has effectively foiled the plan of GOD, which was to create a world where love reigns. By taking out your heart, the Enemy takes out you, and you are essential to the Story. You’ll notice he’s been rather effective” (Page 38).

I have expended too much time and energy creating anxiety within myself because I compare myself to someone else who appears perfect. People who seem to “have it all together,” and I put together these obnoxious lists of things to do which I am fully aware will exhaust me. Instead of learning how to live as I was designed and how to interact with a perfect love, I have measured myself against machine like efficiency and impossible standards.
I have come to understand and appreciate making my heart a priority, but GOD is leading me into deeper study of what it means to live with my heart at the center. “Emotions are the voice of the heart, to borrow Chip Dodd’s phrase. Not the heart, but its voice. They express the deeper movements of the heart, as when we week over the loss of someone we love, or when we cheer at the triumph of a son’s team at the state championship. The mind stands detached, but it is with the heart that we experience and respond to life in all its fullness. Francis de Sales said, ‘Love is the life of our heart. According to it we desire, rejoice, hope and despair, fear, take heart, hate avoid things, feel sad, grow angry, and exult’” (Pg 43).
I have found that when GOD teaches a lesson which appears to be directed at one area of my life it ends up overflowing into all areas of my life and fulfilling me even more. I am expecting no less from this new adventure: excavating my heart.

Pearls: the only precious stone made by pain, suffering and -finally- death

2009-01-10T15:02:00.000-08:00

It seems that each time I sit down with this book my perception of GOD and love change. If you do not own a copy of The Shack by Paul Young I HIGHLY suggest you pick one up.
"Each choice ripples out through time and relationships, bouncing off of other choices. And out of what seems to be a huge mess, Papa weaves a magnificent tapestry. Only Papa can work all this out, and she does it with grace. (Papa is GOD the FATHER)" I read those words and savored the picture of life. How beautiful each piece of art is within the Earth. How intentional...what if most of GOD's answers could be found by watching HIS art. The times when I try and provide logic as an explanation to something I cannot understand I usually feel like I am accepting an insufficient bite. "Because you are so lost and independent you bring to her (GOD) many complications, and as a result you find even her simplicity profound."
"It's simple, Mack. It's all about relationships and simply sharing life. What we are doing right now (laying on their backs on a dock soaking up the sun with their bare feet in the water)-just doing this-and being open and available to others around us. My church is all about people and life is all about relationships. You can't built it. It's my job and I'm actually pretty good at it" "As well-intentioned as it might be, you know that religious machinery can chew up people!" "I don't create institutions-never have, never will." How often I think following the words on a projector is more simple than watching HIS creation and giving HIM credit for the universe and my tiny person within it all. Sometimes sitting in the sunlight watching coy fish, or laying and watching clouds is more soothing than amazing vocals and beautiful words because at the time it encompasses more of being with GOD. And isn't that all he asks for? To be.
"People are afraid of uncertainty, afraid of the future. These institutions, these structures and ideologies, are all a vain effort to create some sense of certainty and security where there isn't any. It's all false! Systems cannot provide you security, only I can...It is extremely hard to rescue someone unless they are willing to trust you." It's scary to just be with GOD when everyone else around is freaking out. I guess it's best to see GOD with closed eyes so it's only HIS glory shinning around and HIS love in the sun beams.
"I am not too big on religion, JESUS said a little sarcastically, and not very fond of politics or economics either...and why should I be? They are a man-created trinity of terrors that ravages the earth and deceives those I care about. What mental turmoil and anxiety does any human feel that is not related to one of those three?" How uncanny that these three things seem to have eaten the world lately.
"All I want from you is to trust me with what little you can, and grow in loving people around you with the same love I share with you. It's not your job to change them, or to convince them. You are free to love without an agenda." Why is it that I only feel this way on vacation..? Kind of ironic that I take my deepest breathes and stand still the longest on vacation as well.
"Remember the people who know me are the ones who are free to live and love without any agenda...Those who love me come from every system that exists. They were Buddhists or Mormons, Baptists or Muslims, Democrats and Republicans and many who don't vote or are not part of any Sunday morning or religious institutions. I have followers who were murderers and many who were self-righteous. Some are bankers and bookies, Americans and Iraqis, Jews and Palestinians. I have no desire to make them Christian, but I do want to join them in their transformation into sons and daughters of my Papa, into my brothers and sisters, into my beloved. (JESUS speaking)"

"Falsehood has an infinity of combinations, but truth has only one mode of being." ~Jean Jacques Rousseau

Grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside

2009-01-01T20:17:00.000-08:00

The Shack presented me with a description of GOD which I had never entertained:
"Love and relationship. All love and relationship is possible for you only because it already exists within ME, within GOD myself." "You don't play a game or color a picture with a child to show your superiority. Rather, you choose to limit yourself so as to facilitate and honor that relationship." "Life takes a bit of time and a lot of relationship." "Relationships are never about power, and one way to avoid the will to power is to choose to limit oneself-to serve."
All around these quotes (which are not in order) is a description of a relationship that leaves me speechless. As the main character of The Shack comes to understand that GOD never left him in the midst of terrifying pain I came to understand that GOD is so intent and driven towards relationships because he has a perfect one in HIMself. "If I (GOD speaking) did not have such a relationship within myself, then I would not be capable of love at all...The GOD who is-the I am who I am-cannot act apart from love."
Within the trinity are three Beings that honestly love and honor one another as they work together. There is no power struggle, jealousy, or self-righteousness; they simply exist together in absolute adoration of each other.
I imagine it to be like that one activity/person/behavior that instantly creates peace and calm inside me. As if the mere presence of that thing lifts everything other than delight ouy of my hands. That is the picture I see as I read the words in The Shack describing how the trinity interacts and reaches out to the main character, who has just been beaten by life.
The times when I allow myself to truly ENJOY, a card game with my grandparents, a good conversation with friends while meandering aimlessly, the small sentimental things exchanged over LONG distances, cheesy jokes that strum basic humor chords, or a walk to the end of the pier or trail for no productive reason, taste so sweet because its my way of simply being with GOD. "Love always leaves a significant mark."
At first I would have assumed that these simple connections stand out so much because they are rare in the midst of our business; but after some thought I don't completely agree with that. No matter how many times I play cards with my grandparents I still love it, and no matter how many letters I get in the mail my heart still jumps when I see packages in my room. I think these things stand out so much because I was created, specifically designed, to value and appreciate these things. "Most birds were created to fly. Being grounded for them is a limitation within their ability to fly...you (GOD speaking to the main character), on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation...living unloved is like clipping a bird's wings and removing its ability to fly." To enjoy love, recognize it during the day, prepare to give it away, and remember my own blessings put me back in the posture I was deisgned for.
As a creation crafted in GOD's image, I have an innate desire to give and receive love. I am capable of working myself into the ground or indulging in the affluenza around me, but those things are only limitations to what I was created to be: "pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly. And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place." I would argue that "pain" can be replaced with many things.
At one point in the book GOD tells the main character that "you don't even comprehend that freedom is an incremental process." Each time I grounded myself and required discipline, teaching, or encouragement I had a chance to break free.
At one point in the book, the main character is laying on the grass with JESUS watching the stars. He is at the very cite where his deepest pain sprouts, but he doesn't notice it in conversation with JESUS. The main character says to JESUS "You said I don't really know you. It would be a lot easier if we could always talk like this." JESUS replies, "Don't think that just because I am not visible, our relationship has to be less real. It will be different, but perhaps even more real."
I love this response, especially in light of the life, because I often times skip over my daily struggles when I spend time with GOD thinking "HE already knows." But I think GOD delights in hearing about my thoughts, discoveries, and struggles because he can see them through my eyes. I think HE enjoys hearing me tell stories the same way I collect my grandpa's stories like candy. Some days being with GOD looks like a silent walk, other days it involves expressing my heart, and still others it involves being this love to others. "I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing."

Merry Christmas...2008

2008-12-19T23:36:00.000-08:00

I commented that it has probably been a whole semester since I posted anything on my blog, and I was correct. This semester really turned up the heat against my priorities, and I have been revealed to myself.

Isn't it time we all slowed down, and learned to find joy again. One thing I ALWAYS point out about my time abroad and my time in the States is what things I find joy in. For instance how proud I am at completing my checklist for the day and half of tomorrow's list as well versus being so happy to sit in an underground coffee shop in Lester Square or taking a boda-boda ride from town to home.

A cherrished friend and I were on the phone a few weeks back talking about school. Both of us recognized the pressure to finish school at any cost, even if it means the experience is a bad one. My friend and I are the type that chose to enjoy every experience, and it was so refreshing to hear her speak the words I had been thinking forever. "I would prefer to just enjoy everyday, than be stressed out for four years and overwhelmed until retirement."

I am enjoying the small things, and as long as I can mange to focus on these little pieces of cake and pie than life can be as sweet as I choose.

I want to wish everyone a VERY MERRY CHRISMAS because I am going to have one. I am apologizing for not getting everyone's cards in the mail. The truth is that they are sitting in a pile, but half of them have no addresses and none of them have stamps.

Freedom in Simplicity

2008-09-11T22:41:00.000-07:00

I have been reading from Richard Foster's Freedom of Simplicty. He makes some very strong freeing statements between the lines. I think many of them are worth posting:

"JESUS saw how people were crushed by the failure to obtain riches." Isn't that the truth...such a meaningless, endless race to own things.

"HE knew the cancerous nature of wealth...Riches are deceitful precisely because they lead us to trust in them, and JESUS saw that trap and the spiritual destructiveness which attends it." Such strong language, but I think many times we tone it down as we read in order to justify our own addictions to money and possessions. What would happen if I actually treated money like an anti-body...it can be a small dose of a bacteria taken only so my body learns to defeat it, or it can be a large does bacteria that brings me to my knees.

When describing a young wealth ruler Foster points out "Not only did he have great possessions, but more significantly, the great possessions had him. Of all oppressions his was the most spiritually debilitating." It makes sense that the more we strive to own the more tied down we feel. When it isn't ours we have more flexibility.

"When JESUS said that 'no one can serve two masters,' HE did not mean that it was unwise to serve two masters, but that it was impossible." Well shoot..! Then why do we try..?

"When this spirit of trust pervades all of our efforts, we understand the unwisdom of borrowing evil from tomorrow." Said in relation to being anxious and stressed out about tomorrow's bills, demands, or wants.

"Earlier HE had blamed killings and wars on the lust for possessions: You desire and do not have; so you kill. And you covet and cannot obtain; so you fight and wage war (James 4:1-2)." I always thought this to mean fights within myself over a not so wise purchase...but considering my major (International Studies) I had not thought about wars between nations...but it fits.

And the one that kicked my butt tonight:
"What we discover from the New Testiment witness is the combination of a penetrating criticism of wealth with a carefree, almost light-hearted attitude toward possessions. It is a combination seldom found today."

I have been on cloud nine lately because GOD's provision has just stopped me dead in my tracks. HE has brought me two jobs with wonderful atmospheres, GOD-loving bosses, flexible hours, and perfect stress(less) levels. I have been provided for in so many detailed ways that it's hard to count my blessings lately. And reading over this chapter has been good for me; I don't want to get so wrapped up in celebrating what GOD has given me that I forget to give it away and spread the wealth. JESUS did celebrate often, and I plan to follow that step; but HE also spent hours upon hours with the broken and the needs and I want a heart like that as well. I know what it means to live with a "criticism of wealth with a carefree, almost light-hearted attitude towards possession," but hopefully I don't only live that way when things are going well and I feel good.

If you ever need to define crazy

2008-08-22T10:40:00.000-07:00

I know what crazy looks like. To feel crazy is to feel uncontrollably schitzophrenic.
In my quiet times, church gatherings, and friendly reflections I hear, understand and agree in the superior value of GOD and HIS creations. I am able to center myself around what I feel from GOD, the direction HE seems to be moving in and the wise whispers from HIM.
BUT...one stinking financial pot hole...and I lose my strips..! I swear I just got in this conversation with my brother. He recently returned from camp UBER-EXCITED because GOD spoke to him. My heart jumped inside me to think that my little brother might have had his big hand-shake with GOD almighty. Late one night I told him that I was REALLY excited for him, but it was going to be hard. The hardest thing, I told him, is to decide to live with the passion, excitement, and truth he experienced at camp at home. It is not hard to see HIM when there are no distractions, but it is forever hard to seek HIM amungst the distractions.
YEAH...I AM EATING MY OWN WORDS NOW..!
For those of you who don't know, I am in the process of moving and becoming TOTALLY independent. It is a little scary for me; ironically, it was easier to do this in Uganda. :) I am taking out a second school loan to help out; it really is a back up because I work...but I don't know what I would do if I had a "bad month." Anywho, this has been stressful for me, and it is ANNOYING AS ALL GET-UP to watch my understanding of peace, patience, kindness, and goodness FLY OUT THE WINDOW at a meer mention of a loan.
On one hand I have an "out of body" expression trying to figure out why I can't just stay focused and centered on what I know is pure value. On the other hand I can't seem to grasp why this is so hard. My mind drifts back to the kids I met a few weeks ago...the ones in the system. They are removed from their families, placed in homes that are paid to entertain them, and then emancipated at 18 years old with no training, encouragement, or support. If I think this is hard with a family that loves me, friends that support and encourage me, and tools at my finger tips than what must they be feeling on their 18th birthday.
To wrap things up: I am stressed out, but I don't want to be.

The System

2008-08-12T21:36:00.000-07:00

One day after school I went to meet my sister at the library because that is where we always meet. She wasn't there...so I waited for a little while. As I waited a police officer came in and approached me. He asked me questions about me and my sister and I was really surprised because he knew all about me. He said my sister sent him to come get me, and I was supposed to go with him. I got in his car, and he took me to my sister's school. We were put in two seperate rooms and questioned, then we were taken to the local police office and questioned seperately again. Though they asked many questions they didn't actually tell me what was going on. I was taken to a large facility with lots of kids and dropped off with my sister. We stayed there for a time. An aunt arrived from out of town to pick us up, she had gotten word of our situation, and a police officer escorted us around our home to gather our things. My sister and I moved in with our aunt; things were tough financially and the check from the state helped out only a little. Social services came and removed me from the home and placed me with another family. I had never met them before, nor did they know much about me. I still have no idea why they came to get me that day...they have never told me. I have an idea, but no exact answer. My social worker has a million rules, she seems to pull the from the sky sometimes.
A few weeks ago I asked to go to my friend's house to plan a party for another friend. I was given permission to go, and I didn't feel the need to check in because of the conversation we had. In the middle of party plans I received a phone call demanding to know where I was and why I had not called earlier. I replied that I was where I said I would be with whom I said I would be with...why did I need to call..? "I don't know where you are, that's why," said the voice on the line. In the background I recognized the voice of the social worker, "I am going to pick her up, ask her where she is." "Oh I know where she is, I can give you directions," says this woman who is supposed to be my "Foster Mom," whatever that means.
As my social worker drove me back she explained that this Foster Mom confessed that I was being rude and disrespectful. I boiled until we arrived...when have I ever been rude or disrespectful, I'm too shy and frustrated to do that. I'll admit I raised my voice to her as we walked into the house, "When have I ever talked back to you.?!" I took my social worker by surprise and she reminded me that she was present. "I don't care if you are here..!," I said to her, "If I have been disrespectful I want her to tell me." I looked at her with painful furry, "When have I ever been disrespectful to you..?"
I am sure that story made it into her file. I met this BEAUTIFUL girl last weekend, a victim of social services. Many arguments that would not faze a nuclear household haunt Foster Kids. I have gotten in worse conflicts with my mother; in some cases we didn't speak for a few days...but it never haunts me. This girl will be haunted by a manila folder forever. Her sister is legally an adult, able to emancipate from the system, but is still living under its control. Her biological parents no longer live in California. If -hopefully when- she is free of the system, where is she to turn..?
I understand why the system was created, and I do not want to discredit it's honest roots. For extreme cases it is helpful and hopeful; however the majority of kids that end up in the system are not there for extreme reasons, and it can do more harm than good. Amending the system seems to be a long way off...until then, I URGE YOU...ALL OF YOU...TO STEP UP NEXT TO A FOSTER KID, AND DEMONSTRATE LOVE. Show them what it means to love, present a foundation from which they can grow, mature, and shine. Be JESUS to kids who have only shattered hope in their hands and who hide it behind rough exteriors and masks.
I hope I run into her again, she was such a blessing to interact with...and most people look right past her. What would she look like if she was given the confidence and value to shine instead of blend in..?

What can be said for learning..?

2008-08-01T10:36:00.000-07:00

Richard Foster, in his usual way, which just so happens to mirror RockHarbor's recent messages, highlights the significance of the heart in matters just as much as the pattern of repetition. In relation to Worship he says, "Service flows out of worship. Service as a substitute for worship is idolatry. Activity is the enemy of adoration." RockHarbor has been going over the counter-cultural ways of the beattitudes; JESUS contradicted the religious leaders by demanding an honest placement of the heart not just a fluffy exterior behavior. I have a bad habit of getting so caught up in projects, people, and places and neglecting my heart. I begin to perform instead of learn; in essence I try to step out of my student's chair into the teacher's shoes. Foster quotes Frank Laubach, "Of all today's miracles the greatest is this: to know that I find Thee best when I work listening...Thank Thee, too, that the habit of constant conversation grows easier each day. I really do believe all thought can be conversations with Thee."

What if I lived this way...what if I was always listening for GOD's voice or HIS silence. Instead of being submissive to my American culture of "critical clothing/style/possesion judge" why don't I chose to listen more..? Instead of putting up rules, like the Pharoses, to avoid breaking the "BIG 10," why don't I pay more attention to what JESUS was actually getting at. The placement of one's heart in murder and shouting are the same: anger...so practice patience. The status of adultry and lust are the same...so decide to value purity of mind, body, and soul.
"To still the activity of the flesh so that the activity of the HOLY SPIRIT dominates the way we live will affect and inform public worship. Sometimes it will take the form of absolute silence. Certainly it is more fitting to come in reverential silence and awe before the HOLY ONE of eternity than to rush into HIS presence with hearts and minds askew and tongues full of words."

WOW...how smashingly brilliant. First of all, when was the last time I experienced this, and why was it so long ago. No matter...why did it leave..? I know the answer...I became busy. I seem to be getting hammered lately with these messages from GOD; like HE puts sticky notes all over my life: "S-L-O-W D-O-W-N," "F-I-N-D M-E," "S-I-T S-T-I-L-L."
Foster makes a list of things that occur as you grow in your ability to worship "without ceasing." One of the things on that list is to" absorb distractions with gratitude. If there is noise or distraction, rather than fussing and fuming about it, learn to take it in and conquer it. If little children are running about, bless them. Thank GOD that they are alive and that they have energy. Become willing to relax with distractions, they may be a message from the LORD."

I wonder what kind of person I would be if I didn't get so frustrated by broken plans. This weekend a meeting I scheduled completely fell through...in the worst way, no one from the other organziation showed up. My poor boyfriend, in his naturally flexible shoes, must have been fretting as I boiled in my brain for a while. What kind of person would I be if I could just dismissed that as a blessing from GOD, recognizing that we all needed to laugh as an ADORABLE toddler climbed all over everyone and under the table surprising us during lunch. Again, I ask myself, when was the last time this was true of me...and shockingly the answer is prior to my schedule growing too fat for me.

In a brilliant conclusion Foster simply says, "To worship is to change." I have come to this place in life many times, and each time I find the same results: I need to change. But change what..? Last night I had the priviledge of talking with two men from Uganda. One of which is a dear friend who was once my boss...we talked about lots of things, and we compared and contrasted American to Uganda many times. One man mentioned how much he liked the efficiency of America, our ability to get things done; this is very hard in Uganda because punctuality is more a guideline than a rule (like "The Code" in Pirates) and you can never refuse guests in your home or ever ask them to leave. I agreed the America's efficiency is matched by few, but I also noted that Uganda's concern for relationships far exceeds America's. I explained that if an individual moved out for college, lost touch with their family and friends at home, got wrapped up in a big Who-Haw job after school, and developed a life that never stopped...it is possible for that individual to die or become ill without his family knowing a thing. My Ugandan friend looked at me in SHOCK...this would never happen in Uganda because even villages know what goes on. They spend HOURS talking, at the expense of everything.

I can't help but wonder...what if I was constantly in conversation with GOD, willing to do so at the expense of everything.

The BEAUTY of friends

2008-07-23T09:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it is easy to identify the beautiful things GOD has left scattered around for us to find. But often the details of HIS work evade our eyes amongst the distractions. One thing has been on my mind lately, the beauty of friendships. Not aquaintances...friends (those that can nail your soul to the wall in five sentences or less).
I went to lunch with a dear friend of mine last Friday and, as usual, left the conversation full of joy. This friend of mine has a heart much too big for the States which may be why she moved to the Dominican Republic to teach English for this past year. Now she is considering moving to Mexico on a similar serving project. In the midst of catching up we realized that many of our emotions and thoughts were identical. This is always an immediate sense of peace when you find someone in your same boat...or in their own boat traveling the same river.
One of many topics we covered was the need we both feel for deep friendships. Her being out of the country has limited the depth she has been able to find. My living 6 cities away from my church body, friends, life group, and serving place has put a damper on my search as well. I noted that I have not been able to find depth recently, except for my boyfriend and GOD-sisters (but they don't count in this instance), and it was beginning to wear on me. I also expressed irritation at the number of shallow friendships available; it truly is difficult to find people willing, understanding, flexible, and dedicated to going deep and changing inside out.
Then my friend, of infinite borrowed wisdom from GOD, made a statement that revealed the condition of my heart. She said, "Tina, I understand what you are saying, and I feel the same way. But we were both in that place at one time." And she was right; I have vented about my current position, dreamed of what it would look like to change, and even raised my hand in support of deeper commitments...but I didn't change.
We continued talking and my appreciation for deep friends grew and felt very fulfilled, but I also recognized hints of a judgmental critic inside me. I realized I may be seeking depth, I may need it in order to mature...but to find irritation in others who are not at that point yet is wrong. After all, I have been there myself and it was through patience, inspiration, and support that I grew.
I am exceptionally thankful for my close friends. Most of you are overseas...but I have never forgotten your faces, your laughs, your thoughts, or your warmth. i appreciate each e-mail, every package, and all the good times. As we grow GOD becomes more beautiful and HIS attributes appear in you to me. You challenge me to be better, you encourage me to continue submitting my insides, you chase the enemy's despair out of my room, and you stand with me (just far apart)...
BLESSINGS to you.

no comment

2008-07-16T03:12:00.000-07:00

I am sitting up at 3 AM, and all I can think of is Africa. For the first time I am not thinking of a face or a place; instead I am reflecting on who I have become. What makes me a better person after the fact..? What changes have come from these serving experiences..? A bold one in my mind is the identification of forever, and how present it is. How each decision and choice I make is a bigger and bigger distinction between the kingdom of the this world an the kingdom of GOD in my heart. The deeper and wider that void the better, I think, because there are less and less grey questions.
I enjoy being around people who have pondered similar questions and who have come to realize the value of the human soul. How many "million dollar babies" pass by each day. To see each person as a collection of experiences, circumstances, faults, perfection, and love has all of a sudden become priceless to me. Before I began serving I saw everyone as a means to an end, and only enjoyed their company after I knew they could benefit me in some way. Unfortunately it took many trips, many long conversations till early morning, and many weeks of contemplation for me to accept and understand the value and esteem of people.
But, as with everything after the fall, there is deep risk involved with deep relationships. And as the measure of joy and happiness increases so does the possibility of pain and hurt. The tough part is to hold on through the hard things even if you are not sure things will work out, like when you follow JESUS one foot-print at a time instead of seeing a path ahead of you. HE doesn't always blow the fog before asking us to follow, and that isn't always a mistake. Likewise, we are not supposed to avoid closeness to others because of the looming risks of pain; the hurt we feel may not be a mistake. It could be another example or comparison of CHRIST's love for us.
Forever is worth it.

3:AM, and my soul can't rest.

2008-07-16T03:02:00.000-07:00

Forever is a word, ironic of sorts
A concept understood
Yet still sitting beyond reach

The last time it crossed my mind was ten seconds ago
When my mind reminded itself
That true eternity isn’t something you can teach

It has to be realized
Deep within the soul
Then the clouds overhead move quickly

Forever is a word, a joyful bliss of stabbing wounds
The last time I looked at my eternal decisions
The same day I reflected last

Forever is a freedom, over the horizon
On to Never-Never Land
Where only unconditional love reigns

Forever is a purpose
Beyond a measurable value
Because it is the base measurement

Forever…forever…forever
Forever is present
The dredge in the heart of missing someone
The desperation for love:
Pure, compassionate, and sweet

Practical Decisions I wish I made

2008-07-10T23:13:00.000-07:00

I must say: anyone who has not experienced swimmer’s ear is a lucky duck. I know a statement like that begs the story…
It all started the first day I started house-sitting my Uncle and Aunt’s house. The family left for a family reunion and left me with a BEAUTIFUL backyard, pool, comfy living room, and open kitchen (which screams TINA!). I spent my first afternoon laying out, which we all know gets a little toasty; I dove into the pool to cool off before letting the sun work on my other side. I didn’t notice anything unusually obnoxious about my head…until the next morning.
Now, if any of you have ever tried to listen to a quiet conversation with those DJ ear-thingys in than you understand how I felt. You know how DJ’s are frequently seen with one ear covered by an ear-thingy and the other open (maybe to hear the crowd or requests). That is EXACTLY how I felt…except I DID NOT put those ear-thingys on. My first few steps from bed were very confused because I could not figure out why on Earth I was dizzy and slightly disoriented.
I thought, hoped really, that this swimmer’s ear problem would clear itself up…mostly because I HIGHLY DISLIKE doctor’s visits. It changed, from DJ ear-thingys to lumberjack earplugs, and eventually progressed to the irritating white noise mess I got this morning. In an irritated cave in I decided to go to the doctors. As I said, I dislike the doctors so I was expecting a crap day. It turns out that my doctor has been to Africa; and a twenty-minute conversation about Africa’s plight unfolded. I was happy to find an intelligent doctor whom I agree with on important actions to help the people and unnecessary disadvantages we’ve projected on them. It was great; I actually forgot to ask any questions about my ear…I simply took my prescription and left with a smile on my face.
Hope was restored that maybe I could have a good day. I also had a BRILLIANT conversation with my ROCKSTAR boyfriend that actually made me forget how irritated I was (he has that gift). Then, of course, I lost the prescription before I could even turn it in and my pitiful pessimistic opinion return and I made cynical comments like,” I hate today,” and my mom just walked in front of me (I think to avoid looking at my scowl). Anywho...I convinced her to go with me to drop my car off at the shop (it’s been working on my nerves lately). I was feeling upset and frustrated, but if I had eagle eyes I would have realized the day was pretty even washed…it was more my decision to pick what sort of day I wanted. I chose to have a bad day today…until I opened Richard Foster again this evening…I got words of wisdom like this:

“”Let him who cannot be alone beware of community…let him who is not in community beware of being alone…Each by itself has profound pitfalls and perils. One who wants fellowship without solitude plunges into the void of words and feelings, and one who seeks solitude without fellowship perishes in the abyss of vanity, self-infatuation, and despair” (97). ~quoting Dietrich Bonheffer

“Simply to refrain from talking, without a heart listening to GOD, is not silence” (98). Which punched me in the face, because I tried to be quiet today in order to not decapitate someone.

“”Thomas a Kempis writes, ‘It is easier to be silent altogether than to speak with moderation.’” (99). Which is a GOD-smacking irony because I am nowhere near mastering my tongue. James beat me up last week, and GOD followed it up with this sort of wisdom…

“Silence is one of the deepest disciplines of the spirit simply because it puts the stopper on all self-justification” (101). Which was hard to read considering I justified my attitude today with all the circumstances I could pick at.

“The tongue is a thermometer; it gives us our spiritual temperature. It is also a thermostat; it regulates our spiritual temperature. Control of the tongue can mean everything” (101).

“The fruit of solitude is increased sensitivity and compassion for others. There comes a new freedom to be with people. There is new attentiveness to their needs, new responsiveness to their hurts. Thomas Merton observes, ‘It is in deep solitude that I find the gentleness with which I can truly love my brothers. The more solitary I am the more affection I have for them…Solitude and silence teach me to love my brothers for what they are, not what they say” (108).

What a BEAUTIFUL quote…I could read that over and over for a few days and find new things each time. Examples from my own life that remind me of GOD’s touch.

Let simplicity reign

2008-07-06T15:59:00.000-07:00

I have told many people that Africa taught me a beautiful simplicity, and I have tried very hard to carry that in the front pocket of my heart ever since. In some sense I have been successful, while other attempts I have made crashed and burned. Richard Foster has a chapter, which I plunged into this morning, on simplicity. And, aside from the fact that he quoted my favorite verse amungst his insight, he makes very profound statements about what pure simplicity looks like. For instance, he highlights the distinction between asceticism and simplicity and also shows the idoletry of both. Asceticism because the beholder cannot accept anything from GOD. And simplicity when it becomes the center of your life instead of an outward reflection of GOD at your core.
The whole thing reminded me of a few conversations I have had with friends in the last year. Both of my friends live abroad (one in Ukraine, one in Uganda) and they both remarked about how they originally thought that being a "missionary" meant scrounging for money each month. Both have come to recognize that when abundance is here it is not a bad thing; you have not hoarded anything...GOD might simply have wanted to bless or enable you (this is asceticism). Personally, I am very grateful that GOD does provide when the proper time comes, asceticism would not suit me.
Simplicity does...but, as Foster points out, it can be used in very detrimental ways.
"We deceive ourselves if we believe we can possess the inward reality without its having a profound effect on how we live. To attempt to arrange an outward life-style of simplicity without the inward reality leads to deadly legalism" (80). Foster spends a great deal of time unpacking the necessity of simplicity blossoming from the inside. He talks about how to direct your life in this way, and how it can lead to a much deeper relationship with GOD because your time stops revolving around distracting gadgets, materials, finances, and status. When simplicity is conceived in the heart you are actually set free as opposed to being bound by responsibility and pride with possessions.
This is in TOTAL contrast to those who take on simple behaviors, but do not have a simple soul. I imagine this is like the driving a stick shift vehicle without knowing what you are doing. Like me...recently my boyfriend taught me to drive stick shift. I was REALLY nervous (and I made sure to remind him of that every ten seconds); he explained what was happening as I shifted gears, what the clutch was doing for the engine, and why it is necessary to use it when braking...all that jazz. I picked it up in about 20 minutes (and...I am going to brag...I only stalled 4 times); had it not been for his careful tools I promise you I would have grinded each gear down as smooth as a dinner plate. Someone who does not actually know what simplicity is, or understand how it feeds the soul, will stall, stop, sputter, and eventually burn out the behavior. They will most likely go right back to being overwhelmed and busy, and since business takes your mind off of GOD it happens to put you right back in the enemy's ranks.
I am, in no decent way, paraphrasing the whole chapter...Foster makes other AMAZING points, but I was challenged to look deeply at where my life is right now and compare it to other times. To arrange my priorities around the positive things I have learned, and simplicity is undoubtedly on that list. My favorite verse is Matthew 6:21: For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." You can read any heart, any culture, and language with this verse. Somewhere else in the bible it says, "Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks." And the wisest women in my life said "actions speak louder than words" throught my childhood. I tie it all together inside.

"Of all the disciplines simplicity is the most visible and therefore the most open to corruption. The majority of Christians have never seriously wrestled with the problem of simplicity, conveniently ignoring JESUS' many words on the subject. The reason is simple: this discipline directly challenges our vested interests in an affluent life-style" (85).

"By themselves the spiritual disciplines can do nothing, they can only get us to a place where something can be done" (7).

Few People are as big after death as before...

2008-06-27T19:15:00.000-07:00

Mother Teresa's Anyway Poem

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway

I didn't know this was a season

2008-06-24T22:46:00.000-07:00

I really should sit back and laugh because I thought my short life had tasted a little bit of every spiritual season. I was driving to work a while ago frustrated because I could not express how I felt. To say, "I feel a new chapter in my life is beginning" was incomplete. "I am experiencing a dry/joyful/peaceful/anxious season" was wrong as well. And since I am one who appreciates clarity, condense expressions, and intentional sincerity it bothered me that I could not explain myself. And then it dawned on me...I am not beginning a new chapter, but a new volume.
This is what I have been feeling like; I only waited this long to share it with everyone because I wanted to test my theory. I feel like my teenage years of discovering GOD have come to a close, and now an intense maturity session is starting. Lately I have felt an unrelenting desire to study (I know it's absurd that this is coming out of my mouth), and I feel joyful about it. I hold the same curiosity about GOD that I always have, but now I feel as though I need to strengthen some of foundations laid down. Almost like I am a hot air balloon, and each discovery of GOD is a new anchor to HIS kingdom. I have many anchors, but they are not very strong...like trying to hold down a hot air balloon with yarn.
Anywho, one of my favorite people (and fellow book lover) suggested I pick up Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster after I vented and raved about how none of my favorite books seem to speak to this season of my life. What a BRILLIANT suggestion...for those of you who have never stumbled upon this book you are MISSING out. It is pages and pages of intelligent, witty, sincere input and explanation regarding spiritual disciplines. There could not be a better book choice for my current state...other than the bible itself which never gets old.
Aside from reading this book (ps quotes will come later), I have been doing a lot of "observing" of my own life. At the many blessings I have, the wealth of my life, and where my real abilities to serve are as opposed to where I think they are. The truth is, anyone can serve at some capacity; but unfortunately many don't feel they can. It is easy to see the opportunities when wealth seems to abound and time opens up. But, as with all of life, you have the decision to chose this lifestyle when things get tight. Our economy is slapping everyone right now, but lingering in a pot of anger will only make you boil. I have spent A TON of time recently, in silence, thinking of my loved ones (specifically those in my immedient family). I have spent a lot of time investing in my international family, and the wealth of those experiences is beyond words and miles. But I have never felt as much joy as I have lately in my immedient family.
I find myself in a new season of life...a new volume of life, which I have never experienced before and I have no clues or hints of how to navigate. But I feel equiped to know where to look, and what basic beliefs to hold onto. The next few years, or however long it takes to complete this volume, will probably be as crazy, wild, and unexpected as the first...but I would not have it any other way.
~blurbs from R.Foster to come~
~~PICK UP THE BOOK~~

Some of the wisest words sent to me by a DEAR FRIEND

2008-06-09T07:45:00.000-07:00

This was a speech made by Pulitzer Prize-winning author, Anna Quindlen at the graduation ceremony of an American university where she was awarded an Honorary PhD....

I'm a novelist. My work is human nature. Real life is all I know. Don't Ever confuse the two, your life and your work. You will walk out of here this afternoon with only one thing that no one else has. There will be hundreds of people out there with your same degree: there will be thousands of people doing what you want to do for a living. But you will be the only person alive who has sole custody of your life. Your particular life. Your entire life. Not just your life at a desk, or your life on a bus, or in a car, or at the computer. Not just the life of your mind, but the life of your heart. Not just your bank accounts but also your soul.

People don't talk about the soul very much anymore. It's so much easier to write a resume than to craft a spirit. But a resume is cold comfort on a winter's night, or when you're sad, or broke, or lonely, or when you've received your test results and they're not so good.

Here is my resume: I am a good mother to three children. I have tried never to let my work stand in the way of being a good parent. I no longer consider myself the centre of the universe. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh. I am a good friend to my husband. I have tried to make marriage vows mean what they say. I am a good friend to my friends and they to me. Without them, there would be nothing to say to you today, because I would be a cardboard cut out. But I call them on the phone, and I meet them for lunch. I would be rotten, at best mediocre at my job if those other things were not true.

You cannot be really first rate at your work if your work is all you are. So here's what I wanted to tell you today: Get a life. A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger pay cheque, the larger house. Do you think you'd care so very much about those things if you blew an aneurysm one afternoon, or found a lump in your breast?

Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on a breeze at the seaside, a life in which you stop and watch how a red-tailed hawk circles over the water, or the way a baby scowls with concentration when she tries to pick up a sweet with her thumb and first finger.

Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is work. Pick up the phone. Send an email. Write a letter. Get a life in which you are generous. And realize that life is the best thing ever, and that you have no business taking it for granted. Care so deeply about its goodness that you want to spread it around. Take money you would have spent on beer and give it to charity. Work in a soup kitchen. Be a big brother or sister. All of you want to do well. But if you do not do good too, then doing well will never be enough.

It is so easy to waste our lives, our days, our hours, and our minutes. It is so easy to take for granted the colour of our kids' eyes, the way the melody in a symphony rises and falls and disappears and rises again. It is so easy to exist instead of to live.

I learned to live many years ago. I learned to love the journey, not the destination. I learned that it is not a dress rehearsal, and that today is the only guarantee you get. I learned to look at all the good in the world and try to give some of it back because I believed in it, completely and utterly. And I tried to do that, in part, by telling others what I had learned. By telling them this: Consider the lilies of the field. Look at the fuzz on a baby's ear. Read in the back yard with the sun on your face. Learn to be happy. And think of life as a terminal illness, because if you do, you will live it with joy and passion as it ought to be lived.

After reading this all I can say is AMEN..!

Lets talk about a GOD of blessing...

2008-06-09T07:39:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago Jared delivered a message at RH about communication and the challenges for Christians in discerning GOD’s will. He made a sarcastic comment that spoke directly to me; “Sometimes you look at your life and cannot guess the plans ahead, and you think GOD is the worst communicator. But we forget, or overlook, that GOD created communication; how could HE be the poor communicator..?”

As I thought about that I began to think about the freedom that comes with accepting less control in my life. As I turn over my life to GOD on a daily basis I wake up in a joyful mood seeking to love those around me; I forget the weight of decisions I will need to make in two, three, five, ten years and my eyes adjust to the souls around me.

As most of GOD’s lessons do, this one expanded in my mind with more thought. The same way I can take daily attitude, behavior, words, and thoughts and tune them to GOD’s voice I can take new life seasons and turn them over to HIS leadership. I find that I am good at submitting daily decisions or big life events, but rarely let go of both. Sometimes I feel that it is too much to turn over all of my life, so I pick either the small or large choices. If I go to bed overwhelmed by big college decisions, than I wake up the next morning to submit my current life season to HIS glory. If I go to bed feeling anxious about my family or friends than I wake the following morning asking for GOD’s spectacles, self-control, mercy, grace, understanding, and humility. But it seems like such a massive challenge to practice both. To wake up each morning content with all of my life, decisions big and small, in HIS hands.

I rave on a regular basis about how much freedom I feel when I am abroad. I feel an intense connection with GOD, and HE has a known presence near me at all times. For a while I thought that strong connection faded when I arrived in the States because I was not as obviously dependent on HIM. To some degree that may be true, but I also believe that I am quick and certain to dedicate my actions, thoughts, vision, and hearing to HIM each day when I know I am unable to control my surroundings. Well, despite my familiarity with my surroundings, I have no more control in my hometown than I do on the other side of the world.

I took some BIG steps recently, and I know they will require BIG effort on my part in submission. I have been looking at apartments in the Long Beach/Orange County area; it has become necessary for me to move closer to school in order to finish my degree in this millennium. I would like to be closer to my church body, my closest friends, and grow as an adult on my own as well. I am happy to announce that the search ended last night in Newport Beach. I have been emailing an amazing young lady named Tamara; she is an International Relations major at Vanguard and she has been looking for a roommate. We seemed to click instantly; we have very similar personalities, the same passion to help people in dire need, and an understanding that neither of us is a millionaire. I looked at the house last night, and I absolutely adore it; the location is beautiful and the atmosphere is wonderful. I can feel a MAJOR growing experience on the horizon; I am actually experiencing the same “approaching a waterfall on a raft” emotions that preface a mission trip.

That alone should be enough of a warning that GOD is opening a new door in my life, but if that wasn’t enough HE has sent me job interviews, internships opportunities, Heart4Africa projects, helpful friends, a supportive family, and messages/readings/journal entries that speak to the heart of the issue.

For instance, at life group last week a discussion was sparked, off of Sunday’s message, about how to discern GOD’s voice in your life. I said I don’t feel I can predict the future no matter how close I am to GOD. I feel that GOD teaches you things through experiences, and if you collect those lessons in your heart, and practice them regularly than you will be prepared to deal with the future. You decide what path to take when you approach the fork in the road. If you make the wrong decision, but your ear is set on HIS frequency, than HE can redirect you in the way HE planned for you. I see myself, and those closest to me, as a collection of lessons GOD taught us; we are most effective when we share those lessons with each other in order that “iron sharpens iron” might be true. I heard Les Brown speak once, and he said, “If you are the smartest person in your group of friends than you need a new group of friends.” I agree, but I would expand that to say, “If you are the only person growing (or not growing) in your group of friends than you need a new group of friends.” Through encouragement in many forms, I am being prepared to open a new season of life. I am realizing that this new season will require full submission on a daily basis, as well as continued stewardship, responsibility, generosity, humility, and flexibility as those are lessons HE taught me in the last few years. By no means have I mastered any of the above, but hopefully through time and discipline I will be a little better at them all in the end.

GOD is full of blessings on the days you can find them and the days you can’t. HIS presence falls like rain everyday, and those with eyes to see are overwhelmed by HIS beauty and mystique. HIS grace is sufficient to cover any sin, past, present and future, and those who understand that cling to it knowing that fact saves the soul. HIS humility to serve the untouchables reminds us where we stand in this world; we have all fallen short, and will stumble again, but ultimately we are loved beyond comprehension by love’s creator. HIS passion can be felt in the pulse of the Earth by those who burn with desire to live for a higher calling and a greater purpose. HE said, “Wide and broad is the road to hell’s gates, but narrow and steep is the road to my will.” The good thing is HE doesn’t expect us to navigate alone: What a GOD of blessing.

Tornado Warning!..in Riverside..?

2008-05-23T10:26:00.001-07:00

I was working in my normal fashion on a Thursday that felt much more like a Saturday. I wondered why the weather was so cloudy because earlier in the week the heat rivaled some impressions of hell. The office I work in has very up-to-date people, and towards the end of the day a cubicle somewhere shouted that a Tornado Warning had been issued for Lake Elsinore which is fairly close to my house. If I had a stop-watch I could have timed two minutes until my brother called for my mother. "Mom said you need to come home RIGHT NOW." I smiled...as if I could leave work and tell my boss, "because my mom said so." My mother's love is like a switch blade..!..and it's hereditary b/c about ten seconds later I was on code red tracking loved ones down. Less than an hour later I was off, but the distance from the office to my car was long enough to drench me. The drive home is intentionally full of windy roads through old neighborhoods and long scenic stretches; this time I floated, hydro-planed, and crept home because of the rain. By the time I got home I felt ridiculous because the storm had started blowing over and had subsisted to a mere rain storm (which Katrina felt necessary to highlight for my chicken ass)..!

Anywho...I had to blog about it because I will most likely never again be able to say, "I have experienced a Tornado Warning" since anyone who knows me is positive I will never move to that corner of the world.

H4A expands!!!!

2008-05-21T17:53:00.000-07:00

Hi all!!!!

Recently a former CNN news woman did a blurb on Heart4Africa. Her networking connections and amazing relationships with people all over could mean GREAT things for H4A!!!!

Check out our video which is currently on her front page: www.darynkagan.com

Check it out, tell your friends, and spread the love!!!!

Two Beautiful Pictures of Love:

2008-05-12T21:27:00.000-07:00

I enjoy riding the train (when it’s on time); it saves me time, money, stress, and worry. There are two particular faces I look forward to seeing that brighten my day. Not just because they are ADORABLE but also because they arrive in a whirl of joy (most days). In the morning there is one beautiful little girl who travels with her mom in the same direction as I, and exits on the same station as I do. I have never actually shaken hands with her mother, but she has patience. I can’t think of a better attribute to have as a mother. I have yet to hear her yell at her daughter; she calmly gives directions, answers questions, and compliments her little girl. They are such a lovely pair; the obvious love is BEAUTIFUL.

And no matter what sort of day I had at school I get to listen to the smooth styling of another angel on the bus en-route to the train station. Today I listened and laughed with her mother as she tried to remember the words to “Three Blind Mice,” which she renamed “Four (b/c that is her age) Bind (because she cannot pronounce blind) Mice.” It probably took her five or six times for the little girl to get the whole song through…but it was adorable. Her mother’s patience and investment in her daughter is so refreshing. Instead of brushing her daughter off, she interacted with her, and retold the words to her over and over.

There are some people I see on the train, or at the station, who look empty. You can look them in the eyes, and see the brick wall behind the lens. Maybe they are calloused from the world’s rubbing, maybe they are on a personal Code Red because of a recent assault; regardless of why the wall is there it is obvious they don’t have a piece of joy to invest in. The way those mothers adore their kids is beautiful because it transcends circumstance (they will always be there for their girls).

Just in case you were wondering...

2008-05-11T15:42:00.000-07:00

What on Earth does 3o miles on a beach cruiser feel like..? I can tell you!!! :)

I had this genius idea to bike ride from Huntington Beach to the wedge on Balboa Island. It is a BEAUTIFUL ride, ocean view most of the way and lots of people to laugh with/at. However, a true genius would have considered the time of day and wind speed. Myself on the other hand...my average mind (with a few impressive ideas) did not consider these things. My wonderful friend and I ended up enjoying a RAD ride down to the wedge, but the treck back to Huntington felt like a trip through tornado town with evening ocean breezes. It was not fun to say the least. As we left the wedge the wind started to get that bite to it. Then the wind started picking up. It felt as though the smoke-stacks were far off forever. I was overjoyed to finally pass them...until I realized that still meant about 5 more miles in cold wind. I asked my friend how far he thought we had come, since no one in their right mind would trust my logistical sense. He guestimated about 30 miles...I remarked that I thought the cold air had messed with his head, but when we got to google-Earth he was right!!!

I didn't believe the 30 miles last night, but when I got up this morning I had a few tight spots in my back. Riding is totally different from running; it does different things for you...but no matter what, if you are planning on riding a long distance, remember to plan on the weather; its a bugger if you don't.

Chiming in from Anne Lamott:

2008-05-04T15:53:00.000-07:00

I always rave when I find wise words, or little innuendoes I can carry in my pocket...and, thankfully, I found more in Anne Lamott..!

"It took me years to discover that the first step in finding out the truth is to begin unlearning almost everything adults had taught me, and to start doing all the things they'd told me not to do" Totally ironic, and TOTALLY true

"I had figured out that truth and freedom were pretty much the same. And that almost everyone was struggling to wake up, to be loved, and not feel so afraid all the time" Sometimes I can see people quivering like chihuahua when things seem out of control. Sometimes they even snap back at you when you try and reach out.

"I knew that if you had the eyes to see, there was beauty everywhere, even when nature was barren or sloppy, and not just when GOD had tarted things up for the spring" Gives me hope that circumstances do not have power over me

"It really is easier to experience spiritual connection when your life is in the process of coming apart. When things break up and fences fall over, desperation and powerlessness slink in, which turns out to be good: humility and sweetness often arrive in your garden not long after"

"I finally figured out that I had a choice: I could suffer a great deal, or not, or for a long time. Or I could have the combo platter: suffer, breathe, pray, play, cry and try to help people. There was meaning in pain; it taught you how to survive with a modicum of grace when you did not get what you wanted"

"I've found that when you give up on using your mind to solve a problem-which your mind is holding on to like a dog with a chew toy- writing it down helps turn off the terrible alertness"

What to do...what to do

2008-05-04T15:50:00.000-07:00

I have always wondered why French films have never done well in the international movie industry. They do a much better job of portraying human emotions (thinking of Count of Monte Christo and Les Mis); emotions that one might actually feel as opposed to hormones that may come to life during a stereotypical American film. The truth of the matter is that the love, empathy, compassion, anger, pain, and intimacy of the human heart are complex.

You can love someone with every fiber of your being while your voice is harsh and your body becomes a brick wall. Your mind can spend all day explaining to your soul that it should hate someone with reason and common sense, but you might still be stuck. Walking around with no immediate task, doing mundane daily things, and trying to sleep become battle zones when you have to make hard decisions. All of a sudden nothing is simple anymore…all because your insides are strung up. Distracting yourself may work for a short time, but you know that eventually the emotions will catch up with you and the intensity may be unbearable.

Beautiful Grace

2008-04-20T08:23:00.000-07:00

The words to last week's worship echo in my head:

Your love is extravagant,
Your friendship is intimate,
I find I'm moving
To the rhythms of your grace.

Your fragrance is intoxicating,
In our secret place
Your love is extravagant...

How much of my life would change if this continued to reverberate inside me. Lately I have felt extreme highs and lows in the emotional department. Financial stress, global support anxiety, power-trip frustrations, and despair. It is such human nature to think that "some day when this situation blows over than my life will calm down." But time reveals the truth about that statement; Satan's distractions will replace themselves. One day you will wake up noticing that your life never slowed down and that situation never really "blew over," it simply morphed.
Two weeks ago, Mike Erre, made a profound statement that shines light in many more aspects than the dating context he said it in. He said, "You must learn people's names, the ones that identify their character (as opposed to the spoken name that gets their attention)." The time, effort, patience, and dedication it takes to learn these names bring intimacy and an honest understanding of who that person is. Last week the speaker related this back to our relationship with GOD; there are people who have spoken the name of JESUS and proclaimed HIS love who will not be welcomed by JESUS because "HE doesn't know them."
Well, I am inclined to expand things because I do not see life as a compartmentalized ball of multiple personalities and a schizophrenic juggling of masks. This idea, of identifying a person's character-name, is also true of myself. How many times has my name been, "flaky," "too busy," "distracted," "rude," "self-centered," "money-crazed," "arrogant," or "sneaky?" Too many times.

HIS love is extravagant,
HIS friendship is intimate,
I find I'm moving
To the rhythms of HIS grace.

HIS fragrance is intoxicating,
In our secret place
HIS love is extravagant...

As our relationships with GOD differ, and our personalities and gifts, I can imagine that everyone identifies a unique part of GOD's character. And what a beautiful thing because as we interact in community with each other more and more of HIS heart comes to life in the faces of those we meet.

I have been reading Anne Lammott's newest book, Grace Eventually (so get ready for LOTS of quotes from my favorite author), and she said "I knew that if you had eyes to see, there was beauty everywhere..." At one time I was able to do that; I would people watch for hours, spend time getting lost at the beach or swap meets, and the colors of GOD would come out. As with most AMAZING things, it feels like that was a large part of my life, but I bet in reality it was a sweet drop in my life. I bet that my character-name would be different if that activity was more common than my stresses, frustrations, anxieties, and power-trips. I bet my character name would be something more flashy if I trusted more, worked on my faith consciously, and decided to actively protect my purity.

INTENTIONAL love is extravagant,
INTENTIONAL friendship is intimate,
I find I'm moving
To the rhythms of HIS grace.

INTENTIONAL fragrance is intoxicating,
In our secret place
INTENTIONAL love is extravagant...

I have no idea how many times I have said this, in similar words, but I am hoping to revolutionize the way I see GOD. This is one of two, maybe three, summers that I will be in the continental US all summer, and I am really hoping that during this time I can get to know GOD under new lights, and the integrity HE ordained in me long ago would take precedence over the "distracted" label I have now. Maybe I should go to an AA meeting...we'll call it DA-distraction addicts. It can meet in a home, with many people striving to live above the influence (b/c MTV's add for living above the influence applies to the very culture it projects as well). And we can share testimonies like a Life Group, and be accountable like the Body of CHRIST. We can call each other during the week, and email regularly like friends intentionally lifting everyone up. My quiet times can include praise for these people, and requests for personal improvements.

Oh wait...those require daily decisions.
GET IT.?!

I have to choose these things everyday!!!

Venting

2008-04-03T16:56:00.000-07:00

I was on the phone with one of my beautiful GOD-sisters the other night on the verge of laughing, crying, and consoling at the same time. Laughing because her situation so desperately resembled mine that no other reaction suited. Crying because it is such a stressful state to be in, and I know GOD never intended for HIS children to feel such intense stress (credit that madness to the devil himself). And consoling because I am an empathetic person by nature (especially when it comes to family), and I would have hugged her for days had I been in the same area.
As her heart poured out about the level of anxiety she was experiencing advice came rushing out of mine to keep her afloat. Some of the things I was saying initially entered my mind (I'd like to think from GOD) to calm myself down and to remember that I am on an irrational Earth to serve a super-natural GOD...why am I so worried about "rational decisions..?" Everyone knows a college student, or is one themselves, and it is impossible to deny the adversity associated with surviving successfully during these times. But, if I remove myself from under that weight for a moment, I begin to wonder...what does this stress disclose about my priorities..?
I have been telling my siblings and adopted international sisters for decades that GOD will not ask about their GPA, test scores, or sports stats when we arrive at Heaven's Gates...but HE will ask why we neglected our friendships, family, and community (be that local or global). I believe this is true with all my heart, but it strikes me as annoying and odd that my priorities (and correlating stress levels) do not match.
As I tried to reveal to my GOD-sister all that I see in her and the dreams of hope and joy I wish for her, my heart would have traded places to spare her the aggravation. I was using examples from my own life to share the ways GOD has taught me to value HIS unseen glory and humility more than the visible tapestries the world flaunts. I could almost hear the wheels grinding in her head through the silence on the phone, and it sounded all too familiar.
I imagine GOD feels this deep intense longing for HIS children to grasp HIS love and purpose for them, and since my brain is infinitely smaller than HIS than the ache in my heart must be too. As I discover the shade of color GOD uses to highlight things in my life I find immeasurable joy sharing these nuggets with my siblings, and I find it more and more annoying the number of ways the enemy distracts me daily. My GOD-sister's list of grievances isn't unique to her (although she is supremely unique); every college student would recognize it from a hundred yards and every adult could modify it slightly to fit their own life.
I wonder how much energy I am paying to the wrong cause. How much energy are my GOD-sister and I contributing to the devil's work..? Because anything made by GOD for GOD that is not used to GOD's glory is lost. On a larger scale, how much energy is the body of CHRIST losing towards HIS revolution..? Honestly, think about it, I am as much a part of this problem as anyone else...how much time, pounds, stress, anger, and tears are lost on priorities the devil pushed to the top of the list. How many lives have turned into work-aholics, exercise-addicts, physique-critics, and/or materialistic label snobs when those individuals are not really seeking those things. We all know that GOD is the only filler for a heart...that is in the design itself; but how quickly and painfully do we slip after so much as a whisper from the enemy.
I quote Wess Staford often because his words are wise and extremely observant. Too Small to Ignore is packed with wisdom that can be applied to many circumstances and millions of lives. He makes a statement in that book about poverty leading to a much worse disease called fatalism.
I believe that disease haunts Americans as much as it does the third world. Personally, AS SOON AS I begin to focus too much on the ridiculous details of this irrational world I begin to sink. My eyes lose sight of JESUS under the weight of unwanted, unneeded, unwelcome tasks and responsibility, and the life comes right out of me. Sleepless nights, stressful days, anxious thoughts, depressing feelings: FATALISM.
Fatalism of a different kind, but from the same creator. GOD ALMIGHTY is the creator of joy, peace, humility, salvation, LOVE, grace, etc. HIS adversary, in attempt to compete with HIM, made his own kingdom: Fatalism. It doesn't just eat the third world, it eats the first. It doesn't just swallow the sick, dying, or diseased, it swallows the arrogant, rich, and controlling. It doesn't drown those in lowly places, it also drowns those seemingly out of its reach (which may be where the expression "the world is tumbling down around me" came from).
So, I wonder, as I put myself back into the mix here: how much time have I spent venting to friends and family about a new job, living situation, school loans, passion for Africa, and love for family where my energy was rightfully placed. Did I, am I, missing something right now that GOD is doing because my eyes have fallen..?
I wonder...

Where Have I Been

2008-03-26T11:06:00.000-07:00

It could be called a number of things:
the black hole, under a mound of books, hibernating, anti-social, beyond the edge of the Earth...and more.
Basically, I have been sitting behind books, with my "intellectual" glasses on, pen in hand, and laptop constantly plugged in (Kady style). As of now I am OBNOXIOUSLY proud to announce that, with little studying, I have raked in one good mid-term!!! To avoid knocking on wood I keep praying for the one coming up later today...and even more for the hard looking one in two weeks. :)

Sitting in my favorite coffee shop the other night with my best friend I tried to find words to describe what my heart sees. Lately I feel very much like a large ship with no anchors down; not about to get whipped into a cliff like a Kayak, but not able to control the under current either. My decisions and actions in the past that required flexibility and trust were often rooted in security in family, school, finances, and/or friendships...but at present none of those things feels grounded. Despite the human fear of being blown away, I actually enjoy the tumbleweed lifestyle, and it's not this "unhinged" or "free" feeling that holds my attention.
I wish I knew what to call it, this awareness that I keep focused on. I still feel strong, on course, and EXTREMELY EXTREMELY BLESSED, but I think I may be growing to a position that this security needs to act independently of external joys.
It has taken me three days, and that is all I can get out about that...but I wish I could explain the ocean underneath. I can't stop thinking until I understand things...so I am sure this will turn into a theme in my blogs until I get it right...but for now I will move on!

So...I keep telling people that I will write a long blog about how Kenya and Uganda were in 2008. And thus far I've been unable to do it because I was studying constantly. But I am super confident for my next mid-term...so I will use my intermission between classes to blog! Kenya was a learning experience for me (and Heart4Africa staff). I came home understanding, respecting, and craving the advice of other NGO's: start small and perfect your system. Those words are so valuable to me now because Heart4Africa wants to do a 110% job on each of our kids. We don't want to grow past our loving capacity and do an average-joe job. Our kids are too precious to risk that. So a great amount of time was spent making efficient changes to our team. We discovered some immediate needs, such as a new house, running water, a healthier diet, new school uniforms, and jazz like that. We also improved on some organizational needs like communication and accountability. Our staff and our volunteers spent the whole time working on one or more of those things, and by the time we left our team (including our kids) were stronger, happier, and energized. We have a lease on a brand-new-never-been-lived-in-house for our kids, and that alone alleviated many things. We gained a ROCKSTAR project manager with a heart of PURE GOLD. And, of course, the kids found seats in all our hearts forever.

We did take a detour trip to Uganda to do some real-time dreaming. We took Ingrid, our new project manager, so she could get a feel of what was going through our minds. We all ran around Ggaba with smiles on our faces and movies playing in our minds of what Nairobi can be with GOD's touch. We also introduced Ingrid to some of our kids (who are now teenagers...STOP GROWING!!!) in Uganda, and now she understands our craziness! :) If I had to describe the work this year in Nairobi I would say it was similar to laying a cement foundation for a building. We worked on a lot of basics, but we now have a broader platform from which to grow. That goes for our kids too; we threw them a birthday party to show them how elegant, loved, treasured, and valuable they are. They had a WONDERFUL time, and I think they started to understand what kind of value the Muzungus see in them...inside. Our presence in their lives will not be temporary or conditional...we dream to love them as JESUS does unconditionally, with everything in us. So...in short...this trip to Kenya was a successful trip for everyone involved, and it will certainly not be the last!

I do apologize because I haven't posted any photos on here from the trip. I actually did not even take out my camera because I had three GIFTED and PASSIONATE photographers with me...so I am with all of you in patiently waiting for a mound of photos. But, I can assure you, the waiting will be well worth it because these guys are AWESOME. If you don't believe me than check these out:
www.triplecord.com
www.kadydunlap.com/Heart4Africa

More blogs will come, and my tumbleweed life will continue to pour out...
Thank you for the prayers, support, and friendship...you guys make my life far wealthier than any establishment!!!
LOVE YOU ALL!!!!

GOD bless debriefing...

2008-03-10T16:15:00.000-07:00

I may have left the African continent, but my heart is still there (as usual...I know some of you are rolling your eyes right now).  The funny thing is that packing was not as hard this time, it was getting on board the plane that almost knocked me out!  Of course saying goodbye to the prettiest kids ON THE PLANET is never easy, and the whole time you wish your hugs could last forever.  You feel tears getting pushed further and further out of your eyes with each heart-beat, and you don't want to put them down because seeing each other cry makes your heart race (and therefore your tears cascade down instead of drizzle).  All the kids touched my heart, and the stories about them will go on FOREVER (pictures will also come...it's just a waste of time to gamble with African internet services so I saved those for later), but there are two little girls who just stick with me more and more.  So, in addition to my ravings about Aida-bear, I will drive you all crazy with stories about Rebecca and Kazeah.
For now I will spare you, and tell you a miracle story about a wonder-boy named Bonnie (short for Boniface).  Bonnie is almost 4 years old, but he looks to be about the size of a healthy 6 month old baby.  When we arrived at the children's home he did not walk, he did not smile, he did not play, he did not move...except to cry because of the scary Mazungu skin.  Our ROCKSTAR prayer agent, Rex, prayed over this boy, and the last few days we say him cruising around our team, the church, in service, and around his new house.  What makes this a miracle and not just happy acts of joy is that Bonnie had AIDS when we arrived (which explains his reluctance to expend energy); our team issued another AIDS test a few days after Re's prayer...and the boy's test came back NEGATIVE.  Read that again...N-E-G-A-T-I-V-E.  It was so obvious in his behavior, his appearance, his energy, and his eyes..they gleamed the way GOD created children's eyes to gleam like sun rays.
There are many stories to tell, and I promise to post them one by one on as they lay on my heart for some time.  All day today I kept thinking over our last day in Kenya (yesterday).  Our team was FRANTICALLY searching all of last week for a new house to move the children into.  The building they were in became known as "the cave" because of it's poor condition and hopeless energy.  We came up with a handful of "hopefulls," but to our dismay the owners backed out one by one because they did not want their homes to be used for a children's home.  By the last day Annette and Mike were in tears, and I could barely keep from throwing up because we so desperately had to move those kids out...you cannot grow dreams from a flower pot outside...they have to come from within.  Well, in GOD's true timing, on the last day (about 10 hours before our team was to fly out) we signed the papers on a BRAND-NEW-NEVER-BEEN-LIVED-In house, and we moved the kids in.  The looks on their faces puts every photo to shame because the pictures can not capture the depth of light in their eyes (even though Annette is a BRILLIANT photographer).  The change was similar to Bonnie's...TOTALLY different kids.  TOTALLY different kids who hugged differently, smiled differently, ran and played differently...and for the first time in their lives...FELT like they were home.
I never realized what that could mean until yesterday.  I knew from personal experience that you can own a house or a home...the two are not the same.  But I did not connect the dots in my head and apply them to Africa.  I am still trying to wrap my head around that, and all it means.  Unfortunately, our team gave a double whammy by giving them a house, and then turning around and leaving (smiles and tears).
Which leads me back to my opening point...the freaking plane!  Okay...so a brain-note for all NEVER FLY VIRGIN ATLANTIC...you will regret that decision EVERYDAY.  Annette and I originally had VA tickets round trip, however I got an email saying our flight was cancelled and we were automatically re booked for another VA flight the following day.  I responded and said that was not okay, we needed to leave on the scheduled day.  We arranged to have Annette and I put on a BA flight at no cost to us because we did not break the rules.  When we arrived at the airport with our group to check in the clerk said he did not see our names in the system.  SHOCKER...our eyes got big, our hearts began to race...after all the emotions surrounding the house and the kids...we now had to deal with DRAMA for the flight.  On top of the that we did not have a cell phone, or internet access in order to contact VA.  GOD sent HIS lovely angels, Julie and some others, who work ground crew for both VA and BA and they helped us get access to both a phone and a computer.  Believe me...it was a LONG, LONG, L-O-N-G process.  Eventually we got on the plane...and here we are...in London.  A time to think, relax, stroll, and remember.
I know my whole team, of WONDERFUL people, misses those kids like nothing every before.  Rhea, one of the sweetest ladies you could ever meet, almost cries anytime you mention the kids...you can see them sitting on her heart.  What helps me, and so many other child advocates, is to think of it as though your level of "missing" them reflects your love for them.  The next time you say, "I love you" to that child...it pack all the punch from all your pain.  It helps me cope because I know it's sincere if it stays on my heart forever.
More stories to come, but as for now...at least you know I am giving Africa time to recoup from dealing with me...and I am messing up London now!  :)

African diets...

2008-03-07T04:51:00.000-08:00

The best trips are those with funny moments woven in and out of them. Most of my blogs for this trip have been serious, sentimental, or inspirational...whatever happens to be on my mind. Today, I am in a much more schizophrenic mood!
Somewhere among the slightly delusional conversations that exhausted-from-playing adults get into we came upon diets. Actually diets have been an overwhelming theme...but not because of the ridiculous pitch from So Cal that women should be as thin as boards. Our dieting conversations started with a ten year old girl, Esther, and our lovely Annette!
Esther stopped Annette one afternoon in Uganda and asked her, "How old are you..?" Annette gave her age, and Esther said, "No, you're 20 years old." Annette laughed and said, "No, I don't think I'm 20. I am pretty sure I am older than 20. What makes you think I am 20..?" And Esther (GOD bless her soul) replied without hesitation, "Because you're fat." At which point Annette busted up laughing because, as we all know, she is simply wonderful and BEAUTIFUL! Esther then proceeded to recommend that Annette eat 2 lemons everyday so that she can run fast.
That joke carried into Kenya, and every breakfast we began to request lemon wedges!!! Then...here is where the exhausted-from-playing adults come in...a BRILLIANT teammate (who will remain nameless) decided to inform us that models keep the weight off by cleansing their colons regularly. I know...squint now or forever hold your eyes open. In the detailed description of benefits of that lovely procedure was the advice that you do not need to consult a doctor to have this done (for all of you who were wondering). In fact...it can be almost cost free for those of you who drink coffee. Apparently you can give yourself an organic coffee enema and shed pounds like a tree in winter. "All you have to do is hold 2 cups inside your for 20 minutes, and it all comes out."
The whole team did what you are doing now as you read this...either flinch and squeal or run away! In my mind I was thinking 2 things: 1- where the hell is 2 cups of coffee up your tailpipe going to go..? 2-how do you clench for 20 minutes without busting up laughing that you have coffee in your butt?!?!?!
Gives a whole new meaning to, "Do you want some Starbucks?!"
GOD bless coffee-addicted-friends!

Journal entry from 02.03.2008

2008-03-04T08:16:00.000-08:00

Are you
Are you
Going to fall behind..?
Do you
Do you feel
These holes in your life..?

The song draws from my ear-buds. I keep hitting repeat because I think there is something here.

Are you
Are you
Going to fall behind..?
Do you
Do you feel
These holes in your life..?

Every time my feet touch African soil my soul refills and tears roll down my checks; it is an automatic response like a child reaching for comfort.

Are you
Are you
Going to fall behind..?
Do you
Do you feel
These holes in your life..?

Each time I leave these kids their impression is felt ten times more than the last.

Are you
Are you
Going to fall behind..?
Do you
Do you feel
These holes in your life..?

Impressions like these, although sometimes painful, provide the soul's desperate breathes in order to escape self-centered-ness

Are you
Are you
Going to fall behind..?
Do you
Do you feel
These holes in your life..?

I promised some one today that I will be doing this until I am 80 years old. And I try really hard not to lie; honestly, how could I ever do anything other than this..?

Are you
Are you
Going to fall behind..?
Do you
Do you feel
These holes in your life..?

How do you find the purpose behind each of your breathes..? Easy..! Think of the holes in your life, not the dark pits of regret or habit, but the holes in your heart where you long for joy that once was.

Are you
Are you
Going to fall behind..?
Do you
Do you feel
These holes in your life..?

Are you, are you...gonna fall behind..:get stuck behind fear and doubt and not follow your dreams.
Do you, do you feel...these holes in your life..:where you looked selfishly inside yourself instead of around you at those who need you

They are EvErYwHeRe

This is written and dedicated to the kids who gave me a heart-beat, and who taught me how to live. I can never express my gratitude and thanks to GOD for you; you are HIS carefully planned tools to teach me not to be a robot...but to chose HIM everyday. Your memories and photos are with me each day, and they keep my mind on track. You help me reject money's control and an addiction to myself.

If my heart were made of soft sand your hand and foot prints would cover every inch!

Uganda refreshes my soul

2008-02-27T05:20:00.000-08:00

Heart4Africa brought our favorite Kenyan, Ingrid, to Uganda to show her some of our hopes and dreams for Nairobi. While she was busy soaking it all up in a storm...she is even sleeping right now because it's so much...I was busy tracking down all my favorite kids. And, of course, I found Aida-bear! She has grown so much...I swear she will be taller than me next year! But she looks like an angel, as usual! I did not tell anyone in her family that I was coming, so when I showed up at school unannounced she was SHOCKED. She just covered her mouth with her hand and stared at me with big eyes. Then she said the cutest thing I have ever heard IN MY LIFE, "I dreamt that you were coming." I just smiled...I can't explain (and few people will understand) what I feel when I reconnect with the faces that taught me to live.
There are songs that inspire you to dance, movies and documentaries that spark profound thoughts inside you, and incidents that hasten you to action...but rare is the face (and the receiver) that gently pull you to LIVE.
For me, there are a handful of faces in Southern Uganda that are my heartbeat, my joy, my pride, my laughter, my inspiration, and my motivation. Being able to put that facial expression on Aida's face was the PERFECT way to begin 2008! And as Annette, Mike, and myself continue to seek out our angels in Uganda they refill our hearts with GOD's love because no one can measure unselfish love given to a child except GOD because HE did that for all of us.
To my teammates coming...HURRY UP, we don't have enough love to fill these kids (even with our renewed spirits). To those who have not traveled...GET A MOVE ON, you will not regret even one second. And to those who are planning...PUSH THROUGH THE DIFFICULTIES, you and I both know the biggest stresses are in the planning, and if Satan can stop you there than he suffocates the souls your were meant to inspire even more.
I love Africa because it feeds my soul ~laughter contributed by Kady Dunlap~

“Oh, I had a big blog this morning!” ~Mike~

2008-02-24T11:00:00.000-08:00

What smart people see after a good education, and what loving families stress for lifetimes, Nairobi can teach you in 2 short days: All you need is love. I am not going to lie, the reason I said 2 short days is because our first day in Nairobi we slept, but after that the connections began. I say connections because that is what comes naturally to the heart. Annette, Kady, Mike, and I sat around the breakfast table at Rusam Villas and the topic of passion versus compassion came up. Annette linked our topic to her recent reading material, she said that “passion” is a human thing, and “compassion” is a heart thing. How simple and easy is it to find people who are passionate but inactive, or passionate about things that lead to higher ground for them. Compassion would be to use that passion, that GOD-crafted passion, for others. This is what Nairobi can teach you in 2 short days…face it, after 20-ish hours of travel everyone needs a day of rest!
You don’t have to go far from the tiled floor of the airport to see the distress and despair. The short drive to Rusam Villa was only a precursor to what lay ahead. Stepping into Emmanuel Children’s Home and staring at the lonely faces sitting quietly in plastic chairs in the front room splits your heart like an egg. Hearing the stores these children have come from before their welcomed entry into this beautiful quaint home makes you realize why a 9 year old boy is literally the size of a 6 year old boy in America. So far we have only visited the orphanage twice, and the compassion spills out through connection. How do you explain to a 2 year old who has never seen white skin that he doesn’t have to be scared; in fact he should be overjoyed because the people he cries about are actually here to save him. How do you explain to a 6 year old melting into your lap that you have to leave, but you will return soon when every other time she has heard that it was a lie. All the passion to fix injustice cannot portray love without compassion…and so we connect with these children. Look them in the eyes, hold their hands, whisper, “I love you” in their ears, and hug them many times help ensure trust.
The beauty in any country is the children; JESUS said, “Let the children come to me,” and we must. HE said, “love the widows and the orphans,” and we must. HE said, “refuse the enemy and spread the gospel,” and we must. And how do we do that..? But talking even though no one is trying to hear you..? When JESUS walked this Earth HE talked to people on their level, walked with people on their roads, and met with those in their homes…HE connected with people. Some of the residences of Emmanuel Children’s Home do not even speak English (they aren’t in school yet), but they understand hugs, smiles, pictures, and holding hands. It really isn’t rocket science as Annette pointed out humorously. And although Africa has called our hearts, it may not be Africa for everyone…there are literally dozens upon dozens of countries around the world infected with poverty (the greatest disease of all), and if everyone could practice compassion for even a week each year the world would be a better place. And, most of all, the children would have a tomorrow.

London’s Lucky Stars

2008-02-24T10:56:00.000-08:00

A British layover can either be AMAZING, or an ABSOLUTE BORE depending on how you see things. Annette, Kady, and myself flew with Virgin Atlantic (not so recommended) and originally planned for a 3-hour layover. Now, any experienced traveler will tell you that a layover is NEVER what it seems. On February 19, 2008, for example, a 3-hour layover means 6 hours in London’s Heathrow Airport trying every thing except glue to hold our eyes open. We very well could have tried scotch tape…as it was a loving addition to someone’s suitcase! For those familiar with LHA we dined at Café Italia almost the whole time, and only reserved our seats by keeping a piece (mind your that is singular) of Café Italia’s menu on the table in plain sight of the Nazi Waitress who chased away anyone who ordered from elsewhere. And we played the airport version of Prairie Dogging. Allow me to explain, so you can get the whole picture: In an office of cubicles Prairie Dogging means standing up every few minutes or hours to see who else is left in the office, or scan the room for a boss-man/lady (a great example is the movie The Office). In contrast, in an airport, Prairie Dogging means to stand up every few minutes/hours and check the Departure/Arrival board to see if your gate is listed. Some times this activity is done to make sure your eyes don’t crash, and other times it’s done to be certain you don’t miss your flight…either way it makes you look paranoid.
In case anyone was wondering where stereotypes come from…I have the answer..! Sometime during our extended dinner at Café Italia Annette suggested we play a game to try and keep some juices flowing until our next flight. We tried 2 Truths and a Lie, which only lasted one round because we were so delirious. But then we happened upon the “Guess What Everyone’s Occupation Is” game!!! Now, it began as a harmless game for laughs and a good time…but we quickly discovered that when you are tired from not sleeping on a 10-hour flight, desperate from refusing coffee in hopes of sleeping on your next flight, and exhausted after finding out that you planned wrong and your layover doubled in time it is VERY EASY to come up with stereotypes! So, in case anyone was wondering, that is how stereotypes were created…by fatigued travelers brokenhearted from a ridiculous layover!
One more tip for those planning to fly soon…TAMPONS! You must pack tampons!!! You must be wondering how such an obnoxious hint is coming up last…well that’s because I want to leave you laughing! When our team packed our tubes of supplies for Kenya and Uganda, and there were some items inside that were questioned by the Kenyan Airport Security. And when they opened our tubes to look through them, they noticed the tampon box. The man actually asked us if there was a camera inside there!!! When we clarified that the box was full of “feminine products” he put the box down and closed it. So…for those of you who are traveling abroad into tight spaces…pack tampons…and you better leave them on top!

Loving Life

2008-02-09T14:27:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I heard a MAGNIFICENT message at RockHarbor about how how CHRIST offers HIMSELF fully to HIS children, but at the beginning of our individual relationships we, as imperfect humans, are not capable of experiencing all of HIM freely. It is in continued prayer, obedience, discipline, and experience that we get to live in deeper connections to GOD. I thought that was a perfect explaination of why "length of time" is not an accurate marker of a mature relationship with GOD. Its how much you seek, listen, obey (even in confusion), and step out in faith.

For me, this has played out in drastic displays: My calling to the global field came when I was 16 years old, and its development into a refined passion is by far the biggest way I can clearly recognize more of GOD in my life. GOD's provision of a job that I ABSOLUTELY adore when my optomism for finding a job I enjoy was shot is another example of GOD revealing more of HIMSELF to those who hold on in faith and continue seekeing HIM. Divine introductions and the growing of a life group and close friends show HIS love and grace poured over me.

Years ago I considered these things to be committments that required my time, energy, thought, and best attitudes. But now I find my freedom in these things...another citation for GOD in my life.

In another message at RH the speaker said, "Faith is not a Christian thing, it's a human thing." He pointed out that people trust things all the time. We sit in chairs and trust they will hold us. We cross the street and trust that our eyes are not misleading us. All people have trust, and therefore have faith; recently my faith is going through a growth spurt, and I hope I will always remember the freedom that comes with trusting GOD.

Heart 4 Africa action

2008-02-09T12:36:00.000-08:00

Another trip has come, and as with all things new learning, revision, and perspective have to be sought and valued. Heart4Africa has some AMAZING projects in the works, and our organization has had some divine appointments. We have run into an over-qualified doctor who is working along side us to combat Malaria using similar methods to what the United States used in Florida and Louisiana (believe it or not we had malaria problems years ago). Malaria is one of the leading killers of people in Africa, especially young children whose bodies cannot fight back without medical aid. We have also been introduced to companies who build roads and buildings with natural products that will not harm the environment or build up in the ecosystem; and the amazing thing about these procedures is that they are actually cheaper than regular building projects. Who knows what kind of awesome things could come from that networking. GOD has also led us to partner with Acres4Life...a RAD non-profit whose focus is on building African communities to be success and independent of American aid in the realm of agriculture (which is the most effective since agriculture effects all areas of life in rural communities). Our meeting with Acres4Life (A4L) revealed like visions, callings, and passions for humanitarian aid and extending GOD's love.
All these things have led to a very busy schedule for Heart4Africa (H4A). Often times, as I have experienced in the past, teams (on every level...leadership or volunteer) can sense a distinct divide between tasks that are deemed unimportant because they are mundane or have less action packed inside. In this area GOD has also proven faithful as HE orchestrated the inter workings of our team. We are a group of volunteers who hold full time jobs, school careers, families, outside commitments...and an ENDLESS amount of fuel for those in need. In our interactions with each other, with our new families in Africa, and with partners in the States we can clearly see GOD's hand.
We send out a HUGE THANK YOU to those who support our missions in prayer, conversation with others, donations, volunteering time, and networking. You are not only a testament to GOD's faithfulness, provision, and love...but an example to our communities in Africa that Satan has no control where the love of GOD reigns!
Below is my first ministry letter...I invite you to read it. 2008 is the first year that I am starting these, and the positive response has been a blessing...

“And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
~1 Corinthians 13:13~

This quote has never encompassed so much to me as in the last year and a half. I have been in search of deeper ways to live out faith, hope, and love; this search is both agonizing and fulfilling at the same time. Agonizing because I realize how often I fail in these areas, and fulfilling when I come to understand the immeasurable love, grace, and mercy GOD intended for us through these things. Seeking GOD’s truth in prayer and reading reinforces my discomfort with this world, and encourages my passion in global outreach. Wes Stafford (CEO of Compassion International) says, “Poverty is an inside-out issue. It does its greatest damage on the inside, where it often cannot be seen…at its very core, poverty is a mind-set that goes far beyond the tragic circumstances. It is the cruel, destructive message that gets whispered into the ears of millions by the enemy Satan himself: ‘Give up!’ Unless there is an intervention of love and hope, these seeds of apathy lead inevitably downward to an even lower death sentence called fatalism” (Stafford 184, 185, 188 Too Small to Ignore bold mine). I have witnessed this hopelessness first hand, and it breaks my heart to see poverty drowning the soul it infects. Thankfully I am not alone in this lifelong passion to end poverty’s grasp on children; I have joined a team of incredible people who refuse to let children suffer alone at the hand of Satan. Heart 4 Africa (H4A) is new organization that seeks to educate, lift up, disciple, encourage, and open the hearts and dreams of children in Kenya and Uganda so that GOD can touch their lives. Since I became involved with Africa my life is forever changed. My goals each morning are brighter, and what I consider an “accomplished day” is totally different than before.
I have been drawn into Africa as I have been into my relationship with CHRIST…like a sweet sweet addiction you never want to lose. Donald Miller says “there are things you chose to believe, and beliefs that chose you” (Miller 55 Blue Like Jazz). Africa’s plight is a calling that my soul bleeds for, and I am overjoyed that it found me. I believe the passions in my heart have been divinely positioned for just such a calling, and my involvement in H4A has been an incredible blessing and an empowering responsibility. Rob Bell makes an interesting distinction that I used to overlook: “What’s disturbing then is when people talk more about hell after this life than they do about hell here and now. As a Christian, I want to do what I can to resist hell coming to earth. Poverty, injustice, suffering-they are all hells on earth, and as Christians we oppose them with all our energies. JESUS told us to” (Bell 148 Velvet Elvis). This is what I live and breathe these days; it is my pleasure and challenge in this life. I can tell you, I understand hell much more after standing in an IDP (internally displaced persons) camp than I do when I read phrases like “gnashing of teeth” from the bible; not because one description is more accurate than the other, but because one became reality for me. Unfortunately there are children who understand hell much more than I because they live in it everyday. H4A refuses to pretend these circumstances do not exist; our team hopes to give back to the children in Kenya and Uganda their dreams, their potential, their hope, their faith, and their love.
My purpose in sending this letter is to invite you to join us. Join a team of people who are reaching out with hope and restoration. H4A in currently working on:

Child Sponsorship

Building projects

Micro-financing

Men’s workshop

Women’s craft outlet

Electricity and Plumbing

Outreach teams sent to Kenya and Uganda

Recycling fundraiser

Medical aid

Farming Projects

For details on any of these projects please email me tina.cochran@heart4africa.org, and I urge you to prayerfully consider getting involved. I am currently raising $2,000 to go to Kenya and Uganda in February for three weeks; if you are in a position to contribute financially the money will be greatly appreciated and will go directly to serve these communities. H4A is a non-profit organization, which means any donations can be used as a tax write-off. Checks can be made payable to Heart 4 Africa and mailed to:
Tina Cochran
20501 Thundersky Circle
Riverside, Ca 92508
I will continue to raise money year-round for future trips, and specific projects (such as a mattress drive, dorm room construction, and our school’s art program); I will send out ministry letters each January and July to update supporters and remind readers that the chance to give never disappears. And the eternal blessings of living a life of giving far outweighs the stressful blow delivered by this world, our demanding culture, and the negative propaganda fed to us each day. Giving leads to freedom; like a marathon runner who takes deeper more energetic breathes in the middle of a race to keep their body sharp. Giving allows to you escape the grasp of Satan and his dark shackles.
In closing, I wanted to say thank you for taking the time to read this. Thank you also for the prayers dedicated to the children seemingly lost in poverty. Your prayers and financial gifts are changing lives. Our website, www.Heart4Africa.org, is under construction and it will be available soon so keep your eyes open!!!!
Thank you,
GOD bless!!!!

sometimes slow motion reveals that which high speed overlooked

2008-01-22T10:26:00.000-08:00

So the last week has felt like an old black and white movie. Every person I meet has that faded cloudy appearance around them, and each voice over the phone sounds distorted. Personally, I blame the meds...
The doctor's "discharge instructions" diagnose me with an "Upper Respiratory Virus," but I don't know why they don't just say Bronchitis. It would save ink, paper, and an annoyed-at-their-ten-dollar-words eye roll from me.
Anywho, through all my stuffy,snotty,slimy sick motion picture I have a few EXTRA clear shots. I sat down to chai with a friend of mine on Sunday night; we picked the comfy-est looking chairs in Gypsy Den, and ordered the recommendation of a very spunky server (vegetarian chili-HIGHLY RECOMMENDED by two more people after dinner)! We got to talking about how marvelous the message was, and for those of you who missed RockHarbor's message Sunday night...GET IT off the website!!! The discussion led to our dreams and excitement for missions. My friend remarked at how happy he was to contribute to changing lives, and how he couldn't wait to see the kids we know start impacting their communities. I paused for a second, because while I agree and also find joy in those things...there is something more.
More than watching them grow up in love
More than knowing they are now being afforded opportunities our SAVIOUR extends to them
More than laughing at how they teach their families all the things we teach them
When I finally grasped what was missing from the bubbly nature of the conversation I realized I hold the same dream for the kids that touch my heart that I hold for my siblings and myself...
I dream, and am passionately joyful about, watching them grow up to the servants in JESUS' parable of the talents. I am always amazed at how GOD trains, equips, and disciplines me to hold the character and integrity needed for the next mission; and I am always in prayer that HIS dedication to me will not be in vain, that I will produce more than HE poured into me. That GOD can entrust little to me, and I will be the right conductor for HIM.
What could possibly be desire more for a person..?
By what other standard can you consider a life a success..?
The people who inspire, challenge, and sharpen others are those who pull HIS glory, power, and love from a seemingly impossible circumstance.
I find so much inspiration in dreaming of being that person, but my heart overflows to think that one of the kids we touch is the next Martin Luther King, Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Wes Stafford. A child that might otherwise have fallen victim to poverty, gotten stung by addiction, or lost their life to evil.

You want to know why technology will never fulfil, and "faster is better" will always be empty..? Because technology and speed do not smile. They do not hug. They do not get up in the middle of the night and comfort. They do not expose themselves as vulnerable to build you up in strength. They may be dependable in their best moments, but they do not love. They are not patient.
My favorite verse in the bible is Matthew 6:21...it says where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
What are your favorite things..? Do they have an electronic rhythm, or a heartbeat..? Do they beep and ask for pin numbers, or do they demand you come to their athletic games and meet them for coffee..? Do they consist of registers and statements or do they show up uninvited but welcomed into your kitchen at 6 in the morning..?
What puts a bigger smile on your face...quantity or quality..?

As I talked with my friend Sunday night he remarked that there are many things he has not done that he used to dream of doing in high school. I could not resist rubbing in the fact that, for the most part, I skipped that part of life...I do what I love EVERYDAY. It is by the grace of GOD I have this blessing...HE sought me with the dedication of a starving lion, and I RELISH where I am. (Kind of like my RIDICULOUSLY funny cat...she just melts in the sunlight). I asked my friend what he was waiting for, I have a tendency to ask that a lot (of myself and others).
We have one heart, one heartbeat, and ONE life...what are you waiting for..?

More smooth stylings of Madeline L'Engle

2008-01-04T13:19:00.000-08:00

"We are not supposed to be as seperated as we have become from those who have gone before us and those who will come after. I learned to know my father far more after his death than during his life. Here we are on the border ofthe tremendous Christian mystery: time is no longer a barrier."

What an interesting point...

"The artist at work is less bound by time and space than in ordinary life. But we should be less restricted in ordinary life than we are. We are not supposed to be limited and stressed."

I believe I have shouted this at the inner lining of my mind half a million times; sometimes just uttering the words relieves the pressure, other times it echos and increases my irritation ten fold.

"The more freedom we are given, the more possibilities we have of abusing this freedom."

As true of every teenager as it is every child of GOD.

"Instead of rejoicing in this glorious 'impossible' which gives meaning and dignity to our lives, we try to domesticate GOD, to make HIS mighty actions comprehensible to our finite minds. It is not that power to understand is not available to us; it is; HE has promised. But it is a power far greater than the power stationof our greatest cities, and we find it easier not to get too close to it because we know that this power can kill as well as illuminate."

I read this and thought of how many times, despite HIS previous rescues, I have come to the conclusion that I am on the verge of a BIG thing and have tried to devise a backup plan. I am sure GOD sat laughing from HIS armchair while I scribbled a plan onto paper with crayon. It is this great power source that has empowered HIS soldiers and set HIS children free...how on earth do I still arrive (in some odd logic) at the idea that my backup plan is sifficient?

"In so-called primitive societies there are two words for power, mana and taboo: the power which creates and the power which destroys: the power which is benign and the power which is malign. Odd that we have retained in our vocabulary the word for dangerous power, taboo, and have lost mana."

I argued with this at first because I think our culture embraces power as a good thing, which it does; it was the end result of this enthusiasm which changed my mind. Today's world is a far cry from its intended beauty, and that is the result of selfish seeking of power. There is no respect for power; the kind of respect that holds children obedient to their parents and thus far has held off a nuclear war. What would the world look like if every ounce of power was treated with the respect of a sensitive nuclear button..?

"We look into outter space, and because we cannot 'see' a GOD we can touch, a GOD we can comprehend with our rational intellects, we invent new gods to take HIS place, all the little gods of technocracy, little gods who have eyes and see not, ears and hear not, hands and touch not, and who have nothing to say to us in the times of our deepest need."

First of all, I must say technocracy is my "word of the month." L'Engle's description of it throughout her book describes the obsession and dependence of technology of today. It also clears the fog we get lost in when we try and balance technology with our christianity. There are no compartments...which kindgom do you live in..?

Hildevert of Lavardin wrote:

GOD is over all things

under all things,

outside all,

within, but not enclosed,

without, but not excluded,

above, but not raised up,

below, but not depressed,

wholly above, presiding,

wholly without, embracing,

wholly within, filling

I am putting this in a frame on my wall...its just beautiful!

"Creativity is a way of living life, no matter what our voacation or how we earn our living. Creativity is not limited to the arts or having some kind of important career...And the men and women to whom JESUS offered this gift were ordinary beings, faulted, flawed, just like the res to of us. HE gave HIS disciples no job descriptions; HE did not disqualify Mary Magdalene because she had been afflicted with seven demons; HE did not spend a lot of time looking for the most qualified people, the most adult. Instead, HE chose people who were still childlike enough to leave the known comforts of the daily world, the security of their jobs, their reasonable way of life, to follow HIM."

Praise JESUS that HE does this. Sometimes I wish I could read the thought bubbles in Cubicle Land; I wonder how many people would rather be building a fort in their living room with their son, having tea and cookie dough with their daughters...and how many of them would prefer to share those joys with broken families and lonely children.

How many times has GOD moved in unpredictable ways beyond my vision and my control...and each time I was better off than before.

"If we insist of intellectual control we have to let go our high creativity, because keeping them means going along with all kinds of things we can't control."

"Robert Jastrow in his book, GOD and the Astonomers, talks about the astronomers after all their questions, struggling up to a mountain peak and finding the theologians already there."

I'm glad I'm not...

2007-12-24T17:09:00.000-08:00

...a Cabbage Patch Doll.

I'm thankful that GOD didn't tatoo HIS name on my butt and send me off to Earth.
For those who wish to see GOD in every fascet of life Madeline L'engle is for you. Walking on Water is a unbelievable composition of meditation and spiritual reflection that brings GOD out of HIS own woodwork.

"Art is communication, and if there is no communication it is as though the work had been stillborn...If a reader cannot create a book along with the writer, the book will never come to life" (or a painting, musical piece, sculpture, etc)

"There is not evading the fact that the artist yearns for success, because that means that there has been a communication of the vision: that all the struggle has not been invalid" (No wonder GOD desires a personal relationship with each of us)

"The poet wrote the poem, no doubt. But he forgot himself while he wrote it, and we forget him while we read..."

L'engle quotes Unamuno, "Those who believe they believe in GOD, but without passion in the heart, without anguish of mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, and even at times without despair, believe only in the idea of GOD, and not in GOD HIMself."

"We live by revelation, as Christians, as artists, which means that we must be careful never to get set into rigid molds. The minute we begin to think we know all the answers, we forget the questions, and we become smug like the Pharisee who listed all his considerable virtues and thanked GOD that he was not like other men"after all"We human beings far too often tend to codify GOD, to feel that we know where HE is and where HE is not, and this arrogance leads to such things as the Spanish Inquisition and the Salem witch burnings, and has the result of further fragmenting an already broken Christendom"

"To be truely Christian meansto see CHRIST everywhere, to know HIM as all in all" (It is bitter sweet to recognize that my own sins are as heavy (and as light) as everyone else's around me)

And my personal favorite so far in this volcanic wisdom...

"We (people) tend to weigh and measure such gifts with the coin of the world's marketplace. The widow's mite was worth more than all the rich men's gold because it respresented the focus of her life. Her poverty was rich because all she had belonged to the living LORD...As Emmanuel, Cardinal Suhard says, 'To be a witness does not consist in engaging in porpaganda, nor even in stirring people up, but in being a living mystery. It means to live in such a way that one's life would not make sense if GOD did not exist"

I've been awake for a while now

2007-12-20T17:58:00.000-08:00

"It seems, it only seems, that you went from parched to overflow in the blink of an eye"

Anne Lamott

At present I feel as full as they come, as though I could not fit another smile in my heart or on my face. GOD has provided what I see as the PERFECT combination of jobs for me, the best part being Crossroads Christian School! I LOVE it; I could not imagine a more perfect setting. A wonderful staff of Christians who love the LORD and the kids we serve. And oodles of young minds to challenge and inspire. The experience is perfect training for my time abroad (and at home come to think of it). I have a strong desire to connect with teenagers because it was at 16yrs that GOD reached out and shook my hand. So I am very thankful for my new job, and I LOVE everyday.

Heart 4 Africa is exploding with ideas, prayers, answers. "'Help' is a prayer that is always answered" (Anne Lamott), and the H4A team is finding that to be very true. We have wonderful partners contributing their time, skills, and connections to our cause of LOVE. It is such a blessing to have compassionate hearts join together, and I my heart has been steadily pouring over because of the bonds GOD is bringing.

My family, as expanded as it has become this year, feels so close. Like a can of anchovies (even though I don't like eating them)! Everybody knows that as you get older you become more appreciative of your family. I am no exception and this year did not skip me...I have been BLESSED in the family department. A WONDERFUL support system of open ears, arm, and hearts. And no matter who we reach out to (and suck into our crazy band) that foundation of openness never leaves. There are no favorites in my family, and no one gets left behind. I have an "aunt" in Japan who was once an exchange student in my parent's home when I was a baby. Now we get photos of her beautiful little girl (who is 6 now). I still email friends whom I have not seen in 2-4 years. And these people are my family for all intents and purposes...they support me, challenge me, inspire me, encourage me, correct me (creatively), and lift up my thoughts. All I can say to encompass my thoughts on family is that I have been BLESSED in this department.

But I know this is not the case for most citizens of this world. I got "the phone call from hell" this weekend. A friend of mine delivered the news that one of our angel-girls in Uganda lost her father this month. She is an ASTONISHING 13 year old, and my heart has been broken for her. When I heard the news it literally felt like someone squeezed the bottom of my heart and more water spilled over the top. She has been in my thoughts and on my heart, and I want to move her into yours. Her name is Tauba. We used to take walks (one of my favorite things to do in Uganda), and she would fill the time with stories, questions, dancing (and trying to convince me to dance), and flower-jewelry (she is REALLY good). Tauba is the walking version of 20 Questions with added extra features of love, laughter, and hugs! "Laughter is carbonated holiness" (Anne Lamott), and Tauba is full of it. Her heart freely overflows with this gift. This Christmas PLEASE pray for her. I cannot imagine the grief, stress, and loss she feels. If I were in her shoes I would run to family...so please help me be her family.

I don't want to end on a sad note (especially since it started out so great, and I still feel so full of life) so I will end with a few poetic pieces from Denise Levertov:

She did not cry, "I cannot, I am not worthy,"

Nor, "I have not the strength."

She did not submit with gritted teeth,

Raging, coerced.

Bravest of all humans,

Consent illumined her.

I love this because it highlights the difference between GOD forcing HIMSELF into our hearts (as many people feel HE does), and what happens when we let HIM in. This was written about Mary, and her response to the angel's overwhelming news, "you will be with child..." I LOVE it so much because it reminds me to let go of control over my life...GOD has it planned to perfection. I have everything to lose by withholding, and nothing to lose by letting go.

But we are told of meek obedience. No one mentions courage.

The engendering Spirit

did not enter her without consent.

I love how GOD's request for trust and faith in HIM always requires courage on our part. This is a different type of courage than I first thought of. Usually I hear the word courage and think of a gladiator (maybe with a spear and a shield and a bible in his butt pocket). Prior to this chunk of poetry I had not thought about the kind of courage that masquerades as trust and faith.

I also can't imagine the courage Tauba has inside her that GOD will ask her to turn over to HIM. My heart goes out to this little girl (on the left with Nakasinde, Charlene, and Moureen).

So where have you been?

2007-11-12T12:37:00.000-08:00

So its November...

of 2007.

Which means I am now 21 (the age I never thought would come)
I am half way done with my degree (which I never thought I would say)
I am am drinking Vanilla Chai (which I never thought would replace my coffee addiction)
My heart is in 5 countries (which I never thought would feel good)
And I feel very much like a stained glass window (Which I have never before been able to internalize).

SO HORRAY!

that and GOD is amazing

GOD is good

GOD provides

GOD sustains

GOD plans

GOD saves

and GOD sets free

AMEN!

Don't you just wish you could say something short like that, and people would immidently understand all that you intended..? Well...life packs so much more than philosophy doesn't it..?

So...the last month (and 12 days of November) have seen a lot in Tina's shoes, and yet all of the above is true for each event.

A reoccuring theme this month has been ~PATIENCE~. (That lovely virture kids hate, college students insist doesn't exist for the 5-6 years it takes to complete a degree, parents scream, and grandparents practice.) I have been pulled into patience in trusting GOD, patience in being non-judgemental, patience in planning, and patience in contentment. I was looking online for a passage in the bible that clearly states what I am learning about the importance of patience, and I think I found it:

There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit! ~It comes from the Message Version of Romans 5:3-5

This is very nearly the EXACTLY wholesome review of what I've been learning. The changes in my lifestyle are growing my relationship with GOD. More and more control in my life has proven to be HIS, and lately I am becoming more and more comfortable with it.

I was listening online to a message from Mike Erre a few days ago, and I liked it so much there is a copy in my car for long drives. Mike said he gets aggitated when people ask why it is so easy to see spiritual warfare in countries abroad as opposed to in their local neighborhood/country. He continued by reading off magazine titles from the Barnes & Noble magazine rack (Barnes % Noble is a huge bookstore for those international eyes reading this). It quickly became obvious that the titles of the magazines were portraying the things our society holds as important. Among the list was "Abs in 30 minutes," "how to get rich quick," "mind-blowing sex," and "what he/she really want." Then Mike asked how could you not see spiritual warfare in your own country...it's right in front of your face! Anything that pushes a value not in CHRIST is a platform for spiritual warfare. He answered his own question by saying that the spiritual warfare in your own country isn't as obvious to you because you have become numb to it after living in it for so long.

The point I took away from hearing that, in correlation with my life, was the more I look at every area of my life as an arena for spiritual warfare, the more I will see it. If every decision, every price, every hour, and every priority becomes a known battlefield the more I will treat it like one. It has helped me to minimize the amount of ways I compartmentalize my life.

Instead of thinking that I only need to be patient with my siblings, I only need to sacrafice my time, or I only need to pray about future trips I begin to see that patience, trust, and prayer are required in ALL areas of my life.

I've tried to begin each day with a prayer, which may be the only thing keeping me awake as I drive to the train station at 5:45 am for school). I am not successful everyday, but the days that do begin with a prayer of release are usually more relaxed, appreciated, and enjoyed.

I am nowhere near fully understanding this movement of patience inside me, but I see it as a joy.

So far its been a trip to live each day with the same kind of dependance on GOD that I hold when I am abroad. Sometimes it feels funny:

For example, after I take the train towards my school I have to take two buses to get on campus. Sitting on the bus makes me feel like I am abroad because I always take public transportation abroad. Abroad I always think about how awesome/cool/crazy it is to be so far from home. (It becomes like a time of recognition of how big GOD is to put me in another country). Well, sitting on the bus in my home-country has a funk to it. I know what thoughts usually go through my head when I'm on a bus, but I can see in front of me that I am not abroad. Bus-time at home for me has become a different kind of recognition...still a recognition of how big GOD is. It brings HIS provision/protection/freedom home for me.

***If you have a chance check out this awesome ministry in Panama:

www.sonrisesurflodge.com

The activities these guys use to build relationships with the locals is really AMAZING, and such a powerful tool for GOD to reach out to people who have never heard HIS name or felt HIS touch***

~What you do is usually a result of what you actually believe~

2007-10-07T10:57:00.000-07:00

I've been trekking through Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson. An INCREDIBLE book for anyone looking for a quick slammer. The fulfillment from Uganda has left this insatiable desire for my dreams. Not to say I am pessimistic about my life, I have been deeply blessed, but I am not content falling back into past familiarities. Wilkinson explains "The way of the Dreamer is difficult-but anything less is hardly living at all!" Though it sounds sensationalist, I can assure you that when dreams are confirmed and come to life you see how GOD planned your life in the midst of HIS dream. It is a truly beautiful thing, an unclouded view of what it means to LIVE.

"Until you decide to pursue your Dream, you are never going to love your life the way you were meant to."
"If we are just marking time-instead of making a life-we have put our Dreams on hold."

BECAUSE:
"What you do is usually a result of what you actually believe."
I have been sitting on an enlarged Dream for a few months. A Dream that HE started forming inside me in Uganda, and I've not fully committed to the plunge because of fear. "Most people who feel stuck need to rethink their priorities. Usually they have put a certain standard of living, a way of life, or some other assumption above the priority of pursuing a Dream." I took that to heart, and lately I have made some changes to my life like taking the Metro to school. It has been uncomfortable in some ways, but freeing in others. It has given me the blessing of time; I can finish my homework, journal, think, pray, and plan when I would otherwise be focused on the road and traffic. I would greatly encourage those of you who are sitting comfortably but stagnantly, to change something in your life. You can gain so much from stepping out from your comfort zone "because our big Dream always lies outside our comfort zone"
On that note, I have also been considering taking a rather risky step towards my Dream by becoming self-employed. Wilkinson poses a question in his book...how might GOD respond to my personal concerns about pursuing my Dream 100%. I think HE would definitely ask me how I feel about the countless other times HE provided and planned things beyond my control. And HE did all those things knowing they would spur me towards my Dream, and that gives me hope and joy in pushing myself to dive into my Dream. "GOD rarely makes our fear disappear. Instead, HE asks us to be strong and take courage...you could say that without fear, you can't have genuine courage." It is scary to think that my life could evolve around my Dream with no strings attaching me to this world. It gives deeper meaning to life just to think about it...imagine if it came true!
"Comfort is the biggest enemy of your Dream...Fortunately, each time you break through a Comfort Zone, the area of your comfort increases."
I can see this in my life, each time I have stepped through a comfort zone my ability to stretch has increased ten fold. Traveling alone was the biggest feat of my life so far, and I feel much better equipped to handle life after that. The next comfort zone I hope to overcome is the financial comfort zone...I am going to change my lifestyle to become self-employed. It will be a huge giant to defeat, I can sense that inside me...but I also know that after its complete I will be better equipped to handle my Dream. I refuse to let my life sit stagnant...

"A Dreamer is a person whose life is in motion."

Ability vs Availability

2007-09-22T20:50:00.000-07:00

I just finished the book which screams the longing in my heart...Too Small to Ignore by Wess Stafford. I put the book down just wishing I could snap my fingers for another one. Stafford collects the passion and love of JESUS for children, and places a call on those who know JESUS as savior to protect and nurture HIS smallest kids.

"JESUS did not lovingly coo, 'Oh, let the little children come over to me for a moment.' This strong powerful man, this brawny carpenter, filled with exasperation, anger, and even rage, apparently raised his voice with great passion. "Let the children come to me! Don't you dare hinder them! My kingdom belongs to such as these." Never in my research of the world's artwork have I seen this JESUS. He who not long afterward would wield a whip in the temple to drive out the moneychangers and turn over their product-laden tables was now equally incensed at this corruption."

"you may not have anything else to give, but you can always give love...to give selflessly is truly one of the greatest joys in life"

After a childhood flooded with poverty and abuse Stafford is now the strongest advocate for children worldwide that suffer helplessly at the world's hands. "I refuse to be defeated. I refuse to give in to the powerful forces that would violate the downtrodden and oppressed among us. It is the reason I write and speak with such fervor. Here I am past the midpoint of adulthood...and I grit my teeth as I battle for the value and importance of little ones. They shall have a defender, a champion, an advocate after all!"

My own personally experience draws a similar passion from inside my heart. I look around at today's world, too busy to see the little ones, too busy to notice their needs. I grow tired of the constant speed, and the incessant desire for more "stuff." It breaks my heart to know that the cost of new shoes "to replace the dirty ones" could pay rent and feed an entire family for a month, maybe a few months. As I am here, among the top 2% of wealth in the world, I am constantly reminded of how poor in spirit Americans are. Blind, almost completely, to the food made for the soul...how sad it is to see people who have lost their love for children. I don't believe anybody was created with a hatred for children; they simply got distracted from life's pure nurturing.

Pure Sweetness

2007-09-20T12:56:00.000-07:00

For any Michael W. Smith fans out there...this is his ADORABLE daughter (adopted from China) explaining the treasures of GOD's heart
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvPk_qyojxE
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
~Matthew 6:21~

When the body of CHRIST reaches...

2007-09-13T21:34:00.000-07:00

These pictures are long due. A few months ago I sent out a mass email telling everybody that I wanted to send bibles for Bethany Village. A few of you joined with me, and we sent a box over...

On the left is Shamim and Nakasinde passing out bibles in Bethany!!! And as Shifah, on the right, so skillfully demonstrates: when in Uganda...do like the Ugandans! I swear they can carry anything on their heads...except a cow (have you ever seen a Ugandan cow!)

These are interactive bibles for kids. I noticed that there were not enough bibles in the Bethany Complex, and the ones they did have were not geared towards kids...they were like NKJV. So, thanks to those who helped out...the kids were really happy to get the bibles, and you have been such a blessing to them!!!!

It takes a village

2007-09-09T17:55:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been drawing mind-food from a man who was grew up in a small isolated village in West Africa, came to America when he was a teenager, and quickly realized the DESPERATE NEED to raise children. ~"You never stand so tall as when you stoop to help a child."~

Drawing from his childhood in Africa Stafford noted that "Small, weak, helpless, innocent, vulnerable, and trusting, they (children) are the waiting victims of our simple neglect and most evil abuse. No matter what goes wrong, the little ones pay the greatest price." One of Stafford's primary examples of this neglect is in reference to war, since that is an evil that is currently obliterating the African continent. "When war erupts over ethnicity or boundary lines in the dust, it is the littlest victims who pay the most tragic price. The wars over the last decade killed more children than soldiers. Far more children were injured or permanently maimed by our battles. The tragedies go on for years after the last gunshot or grenade blast, as land mines and booby-trapped toys keep wounding, terrorizing, and killing our innocent ones."

"When hunger and famine strike a nation, adults become weak and hungry, but its the children who most often starve to death. When disease arrives with all its fury, adults can become very sick, but the first to die are usually the children...the ritual sacrifice of children has been taboo for thousands of years. Yet tragically it is practiced every day across our world. We sacrifice children on the alters of our most destructive sins. When sickness of pornography has run its most evil and destructive end, it takes the form of child pornography. When prostitution reaches its sickest, most depraved form, it becomes child prostitution."

"So while GOD has done HIS part in creating a world capable of providing what we need, we have not done out part in the stewardship of it, in seeing that it gets to the end of the line, to the poorest and neediest---the children."

In today's fast paced, technological, high demand life we "have forgotten that there really is no higher calling than to raise a child. We tend to do a lot for our children but not nearly enough with out children." And that is really what it means to raise a child...to be with them. Think of the difference between a parent saying, "I love you" as they walk out the door at 6 am and a parent saying, "I love you" over a cup of hot chocolate WAY after bed time following a day at the beach or trip to the lake. Despite the world's attempt to make it seem as though the rest of the world is "SO FAR AWAY," they are not. And the children of those countries, especially those inflamed by war, have a DESPERATE need to be raised.

"Children may be ignored by government, church, and mission---but not by Satan or by GOD ALMIGHTY."

Who would you prefer find them first..?

Stafford makes an EXCELLENT point about children...being the sponges they are. "I learned in my childhood in Africa that a child may be born in poverty, but poverty is never born in a child." PEOPLE...LISTEN TO ME FOR A SPLIT SECOND. TURN OFF THE TV, PAUSE THE MUSIC, and MINIMIZE YOUR OTHER SCREENS...just for one point:

"A child may be born into poverty, but poverty is NEVER born in a child. The worst aspects of poverty are not the deplorable outward conditions (although that is what we first think of) but rather the erosion and eventual destruction of hope and therefore dreams. When a child gives up home, dreams are forever shattered. With lost dreams goes the potential and ultimate impact that a child might have had."

And what other plan does Satan have for vulnerable people than "destruction of hope and therefore dreams?"

In a recent blog I mentioned HEARTS FOR AFRICA, a new non-profit organization that is reaching out to Africa. I met the founders when the Mwangaza choir was touring last summer, and I met them again in Uganda at the end of March. I am so privileged and blessed to know them, and call them friends. I have nothing but good things to say about their mission, and the vision ahead. They are creating a way for GOD's community to come alongside lost children and raise them. Disciple, educate, encourage, and nurture the dreams of children. One of many gifts held by my friends is the art of beautiful expression:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GiROj4IVGc0#GU5U2spHI_4

"The word community is more than just a grey sociological descriptor. It is a GOD term, designed by the Creator of children to water their souls and enhance their spirits as they grow."

Be a part of this community because among time, energy, dedication, and love it "really does take a village to raise a child."

Heart Art

2007-09-04T21:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes people do a really good job of depicting JESUS...this is one of those cases
Check it out:
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5

We are all equally unentitled beggars at the door of GOD's mercy

2007-09-02T13:00:00.000-07:00

“We want the good changes to remain. We want to live in plenty but remember the sharp lessons of living in want…Having everything ‘just because you can’ is a trap. It numbs and blinds the human spirit. It can separate us from our calling and our privilege as Christians in this needy world.
Be careful that you do not forget”

Adjusting back to the first world has never felt so foreign. I guess that is a good thing. After 3 months living in the conditions which engulf most of the world daily I understand need and want clearly. The experiences could never be captured by words, and I have the strongest desire never to forget them.
To “not forget” is to live in that state constantly, for those words to become reality. The greatest gift ever given to me is the ability to reach out. I am privileged to be on the giving side of life instead of the asking side. The strength it takes to ask outweighs the strength it takes to give; and the strength to give outweighs the strength to ignore.

“It is much easier to pray that a poor friend’s needs may be supplied than to supply them”
A.W. Tozer

“The exclusion of the weak and insignificant, the seemingly useless people from everyday Christian life in community may actually mean the exclusion of CHRIST; for the poor sister or brother, CHRIST is knocking at the door.”
Deitrich Bonhoeffer

Since I have been home I have been blessed with a new community of people whose eyes have been opened to this injustice; the injustice of ignorance or worse arrogance.

“The daily basics play a huge part in defining both a person’s social status and self-respect. No bed, no shower, no toilet equals no dignity.”
“Blithely allowing this terrible stripping (of dignity) to occur is a blot on the conscience of America, and especially the church. If we as believers choose to forget that everyone-even the shrunken soul lying in the doorway- is made in the image of GOD, can we say we know our Creator..? If we respond to others based on their outward appearance, haven’t we entirely missed the point of the gospel?
CHRIST cared about the simple dignities”

I don’t say any of this to highlight myself, or the friends I have around me. I say all this to try and explain the blessing from this calling. If you can imagine walking around for a week with dark sun glasses on everywhere, and suddenly taking them off.

Colors are brighter, depth is clearly defined, details and specifics stand out more, and of course things look much more alive. That is the difference felt when we understand that “we don’t go to church we are the church.”

"To evangelize a person is to say to him or her: you too are loved by GOD and the LORD JESUS. And not only to say it but to really think it, and relate it to them so they can sense it. But that becomes possible only be offering the person your friendship, a friendship that is real, unselfish, without condescension, full of confidence and profound esteem.”

Reaching out does not happen at a distance, fluidly or shyly...

“Loving GOD is supposed to push all of us to be immersed in our world
I am convinced that the more committed we become to impacting one person at a time-whether through a cup of coffee or a genuine conversation- the more we’ll prepare our hearts and our churches to respond at both a community and national level”

“The bottom line is that real love always shows itself in action”

(Quotes by Mike Yankoski unless otherwise specified)

Something to think about, and prayerfully consider: Hearts for Africa is a new non-profit that will launch in the near future. Its goal is to recreate Africa Renewal Ministries’ sponsorship program in Nairobi, Kenya.

Late Pictures

2007-09-02T11:34:00.000-07:00

These pictures are compliments of two VERY talented ladies in Ukraine:
Somewhere near Sawdust

Somebody somewhere will claim this...

When two cultures collide its either a huge mistake or a gift from GOD HIMself.

This year my family grew by two...but no babies were born.

Some of the art pieces from Sawdust

Moments at Gypse...always classic!

When GOD calls

2007-08-24T19:34:00.000-07:00

I can't describe how my heart aches. It seems to speak a different language to my soul.

I had the privilidge of hosting two of my angels from Ukraine last week for 8 days. It was a wonderful time, and my heart just burst when I spotted them at the airport. It had been two years, and we've been keeping in touch via email and scattered packages. Seeing their faces again made missing them worth it...and I am having a slightly easier time missing them now because when I see them again it will be worth it. I most enjoyed the conversations, and insight we shared. The long drives, peaceful silence, and the expantion of two families.

Yesterday I dropped them off at the airport, and on the way I got a LONG-awaited call from Uganda. One of my other angels called me, and my already-broken heart spilled over again. It took all of my soul's strength to keep the tears inside. I had trouble focusing on the conversation because my mind could not grasp that I had two Ukrainians in the car and a Ugandan on the phone. After the phone call I dropped my girls off at the always-brilliant LAX trying to hide the tears...and I then headed to my friend's house. The music was on in the car, but it was silent in my head. I couldn't figure out how such a short time, or such a short reminder can be so powerful. How GOD's moments, and HIS plans, never lose their intensity or their value. I still feel the same love for the people I meet and the experiences that have grown me...if not more...even years later.

As much a heartache as it is to miss my angels, no matter where they are from, I would give the rest of my life, and all the belongs I may come into for those feelings. To wake each morning missing the them and understanding that is your heart's acknowledgement of your love for them. To spend all day praying for them and thanking GOD for them. For their emails and letters...and the joy they bring. And the time it takes to plan a trip back. ~November 2008~

I can't describe how my heart aches. It seems to speak a different language to my soul.

2007-08-12T12:36:00.000-07:00

I have been reading Under the Overpass by Mike Yankoski. Its a wonderful testimony of what can happen when you step into the need around you. Mike and his friend Sam dedicated 3 months to living as homeless men to discover what needs lie right in front of us on Ameircna soil. Some of the points Mike makes in his book are great thoughtful nuggets for everday life:

"We were created to be and do, not merely to discuss. The hypocrisy in my life troubled me. No, I wasn't in the grip of rampant sin, but at the same time, for the life of me I couldn't find a connecting thread of radical, living obedience between what I said and how I lived in it"

"Psalm 34:18 says, "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted." I wonder if pretending that you're not brokenhearted keeps GOD at a distance."

"If we are the body of CHRIST-and CHRIST came not for the healthy, but for the sick-we need to be fully present in the places where people are most broken. And it has to be more than just a financial presence. That helps, of course. But too often money is insulation-it conveniently keeps us from having to come face to face with a man or woman whose life is in tatters."

"Think about it: if you see someone dangling precariously off a cliff you might warn them about falling to his death but it would make more sense to throw him a rope."

After recieving lunch at a local church..."we sholdered our packs and walked out, we heard the janitor locking the church doors behind us. A church is just a building if there's no one in it."

After Mike and Sam's first go at panhandling he noted..."In his book The Ragamuffin Gospel, Brennan Manning writes, 'We are equally priviledged but unentitledbeggars at the door of GOD's mercy.' I though about that as person after person walked past without donating or even making eye contact. I felt my frustration rising until I realized how unentitled I really was. No one deserves mercy. And no one walking by owed us a dime. Mercy is, by definition, undeserved, or else it isn't mercy. Every coin in the case looked different after that."

After overhearing a husband and wife walk by discussing " the gift of giving and the wisdom of the HOLY SPIRIT" Mike noticed that kids "haven't learned to ignore what they see, so they can actually take in the world as it is. While kids might pretend people who don't exist do, it;s the parents who pretend that unwanted people who do exist don't"

The book has helped me to recognize that the mission front is not just abroad. There are people here in the States that I don't look at or respond to because I feel entitled not to. But CHRIST died for them, and I sit beside them at the door of GOD's grace like all of us.

Cont...you never know why you're alive until you know what you will die for.

2007-08-04T11:04:00.000-07:00

Since I've been home I've been asked many variations of the question "how has your life changed since Uganda." And so far I think I have answered that question with a million different stories. And although a clear all-inclusive responce to that question is impossible because of the deep and dramatic changes in my heart I have begun to realize some things.